


inevitable vision, late inception

by hxtxrohun



Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Angst, Death, Ghost!Jeno, I Don't Even Know, JaeYong - Freeform, Jaeno, M/M, Major Character Death because ghost lol, Messy, Platonic!Chensung, Please Don't Kill Me, Sad, This Is STUPID, Timeline What Timeline, Visions, bestfriends taeil and doyoung, i changed solyu to ningning hehe, i love nomin, implied markhyuck, nomin, nomin is lifest, renle is too pure, this is my first fic dont kill me, unbetaed, what have I done?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 10:22:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 39,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8368690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hxtxrohun/pseuds/hxtxrohun
Summary: He was trying to kill himself, only to find out he's already dead.-From others point of view, Lee Jeno is the cute guy from the 15th floor with a cute smile. Most tenants see Jeno as the epitome of happiness, but little did they know. Jeno is actually the embodiment of everything but happiness. However to Jaemin, Lee Jeno is the cute guy a wall away from him with a dark past and an even darker future.





	1. first vision

**Author's Note:**

> unedited. 
> 
> french translation available on wp: https://www.wattpad.com/story/153823671-inevitable-vision-late-inception   
> WARNING!!!  
> \-- MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION/SUICIDE
> 
> an: this is my first every straight eng fic, im no native so pls excuse the grammar do follow me on twitter! enjoy! @hxtxrohun

Jaemin was actually the typical guy who strives hard and tries every ways he can just to surpass and meet his parents' expectations on him. He had always been the topnotch, the best of the best. He had made a path that made him his parents’ pride. But a disastrous event triggered something on him that turned his whole existence upside-down. The melodious note suddenly became messy disoriented rhythm. Jaemin went to afterlife, if that’s what you even call it. Many may say he’s lucky because he experienced a miracle that brought him back to life after such accident happened. But how can you even call him lucky if his parents abandoned him when he started telling them that after he woke up from his unconscious slumber, he started knowing when will people die.

It’s like a _vision_ , he tells them.

His father thought that Jaemin became a psychopath. A crazy being. Afraid that their shattered pride might do something decadent on his wife and him, they sent him to a faraway land where Jaemin’s biological grandmother lives. And of course, Jaemin could never reason things out with his father. Because there are times that he sees himself as the lunatic kid with a whirlwind future ahead of him.

Every words that passed from his father’s mouth hurt him severely- it is actually deep enough to make an invisible crack in his heart, "If I had known you're going to be like that, I should have told the nurse to turn off the machine that once kept you alive." Those knife carved confrontations are the only affirmation Jaemin needed to make himself drowned in the world’s witticisms on his ability to see things beyond what they are just meant to be seen. But that’s not all. They disowned him. They changed Jaemin's birth certificate information, and went to America for a living. Leaving Jaemin alone with his visions. However, Jaemin can't hate them. Because who would want to be with a ridiculously bizarre guy who can’t stop crying once his visions played tricks on him. Maybe Jaemin is really the powerless psychotic cracked kiddo who will never have the ability to argue and fight back with his dark future.

Jaemin's parents did not even bother sending him off to his grandmother's house, instead they just booked him a flight and bought tickets for him. Jaemin never talked to them so he never knew the reason why his shields were tugging him to the end of his existence; they never initiated a conversation or even asked if Jaemin’s injuries were healing or any whatnots. The day Jaemin will travel miles away from his home, his parents disappeared. And when nostalgia hit him like truck, he saw when his once favorite persons in this world will croak. Three years. And Jaemin can’t help but loathe himself. He wondered when will he ever accept the fact that he can never save his parents or even have the ability to prevent their upcoming dreads, but how could he? He can’t even save himself.

Different from his parents, his grandmother welcomed him with a warm hug he hadn't felt ever since he woke up from his comatose. "Aigoo. Our Jaemin is so handsome!" And she ruffled Jaemin’s already messy hair. It was like his life, it’s already disoriented and cluttered but after waking up it became untidier and much more unappealing. Jaemin faked a smiled and hugged his grandmother tighter. "Halmeoni." There are tons of questions Jaemin wanted to ask, there are millions of thought running on his mind. But he chose to shut his mouth and cloud his voice with the fear of being thrown out. But all his uncertainties were dragged down in the pit bottom when he heard his grandmother’s next words.

"You should have told me that you're going alone. I should have asked someone to fetch you." Maybe his parents left him, for him to have that sense of dependency with his grandmother, maybe things were finally flowing back to its path. A more beautiful road that he will take. Maybe Jaemin is really supposed to be here, in his grandmother’s unyielding embrace. Jaemin just shrugged and inhaled the fresh air of the rural life he's going to be with.

This is it. Jaemin's new beginning.

His new life was in a cycle-- he helps his grandmother on the fields, he teaches the little children in their peaceful neighborhood because school is impossible to their place, he eats vigorous amount of vegetables and he sleeps. And despite having that never-ending rotation of his everyday routine, even though it may look boring and tiring at some angle, at least Jaemin is having fun, Jaemin is feeling home.

He grabbed the freshly bake croissant from the cooling rack, kissed his grandmother's cheek and went off to grab some pens and papers he can use to teach the little kids. When Jaemin finished packing his materials up, he walked off the house with a smile painted gleefully on his face. A croissant on his right hand and a bag full of scholastic things on his left hand.

Once Jaemin arrived at the little classroom beside the grass field the Mayor provided them, all the little kids were already there. The children are really eager to learn new things and knowledge from him. It’s normal, but one thing is extremely odd, beside his favorite student is a guy around his age he had never seen before. Sad eyes. Sad smile.

"W..who are you?" He half whispered. Eyes never leaving the peculiar man beside Chenle. But the guy looked away and disappeared into the thin air. Leaving Jaemin more baffled. He accidentally dropped the croissant on his right hand. The kids disappointingly cooed and muttered how delicious the croissant looks. Jaemin tried to calm himself, a vision will come. He knew it. He felt it. Maybe the mysterious guy will be his next vision.

But it wasn't about the guy who disappeared into thin air. It was about his favorite student who will die four months from now. And he can't help but hate himself more. The kid is too young to vanish away in this world. Four months and everything is the end of the kid he grown immensely attached to.

"Saem!" He heard the children calling him but a huge lump is formed on his throat, he can’t answer nor tell his students the things he really wanted to tell them. He just stood there and looked at them intently, especially at the kid with the most soothing smile.

With eyes twinkling with tears, rapid breaths, uneasy heartbeats. Everything turned black.

When Jaemin opened his eyes, he looked at the place he was in. Surprisingly he’s already in his room in his grandmother’s house. “Oh? You’re already up?” A familiar voice said.

"I wish, I wasn't."

"Jaemin, what are you saying?" His grandmother sat at the edge of his bed. And Jaemin can't help the tears tingling in his eyes anymore. He cried hard like a baby. He cried for the day his parents left him alone, he cried for the happy tomorrows that will never come, he cried for the boy he wanted to save, and he cried for himself. "Ha.. Halmeoni. Che-chenle, he... he's dying." He said while trying to lessen the decibels of his sobs.

So many thoughts were running on his chaotic mind. First, his parents-- when he first told them about his visions and their disappointed looks. Second, the guy he saw beside Chenle. And last, everything. Countless and limitless words were crumbling his mind, his brain is flooded with problems and misfortunes he cannot escape. And the only coping mechanism that he can think of is crying his hearts out. Which is what he's doing right now.

Without words his grandmother hushed him and offered him the embrace he badly needs at the moment. It was the complete opposite reaction when he told his parents about knowing that their neighbor will die soon. Their eyes gawked at him as if they had just seen their son being clouded with irrationality and turned away as if they never heard a thing. Jaemin removed such a scene in his mind. He shrugged the painful memory off and focused on his present state.

"Halmeoni... Can we save him?" Jaemin innocently asked while his sobs subdued. He was really curious and he really wants to save his favorite pupil, but it will also be the first time he'll interfere with death. "I... I mean, we can save him right? We can prolong his lifespan by asking him to go to Seoul and receive treatments there."

"I don't know Jaemin-ahh. Chenle isn't even aware of his sickness."

Jaemin felt the lonesome tears irritating his eyes again. But he bit his tongue to suppress the emotions from sinking unto him. "I'll ask the Mayor to send him to Seoul." Jaemin is determined to save the young boy with a soothing smile but at the same time he is anxious about this, everything. It will be his first time in meddling with death, it will be the first time that he'll go against fate and he's not aware of the consequences. Jaemin inhaled the fresh air and with an indomitable sigh and an intent shoulder, he stood up and ran to the Mayor's house.

"Ahjussi!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. The guard tried to hush him but he kept on shouting, every fibers of his lungs were aching, every muscles on his throat were throbbing but he can't stop. He will never stop. Not until Chenle is safe. "Ahjuss---"

"Jaemin-sshi?" The Mayor called out from his window. Jaemin smiled warmly, his whole system is too tired but he nonetheless bowed to the mayor to show his respect and his gratitude. "What brings you here?" The mayor asked once he opened the door for Jaemin to come in. Jaemin opened his mouth to start telling what the purpose of his presence is, but he hesitated, afraid that they will throw him away once he muttered the word, 'know' and 'death' together.

"I saw symptoms of a chronic disease on Chenle, the kid two blocks away from home. He's a son of a farmer and I don't think they can afford sending him to Seoul for a treatment or even checkup." The mayor hummed while sipping his afternoon coffee. Jaemin took it as a sign to continue. "He's a really sweet child, he is even friends with your son. And I know that no one is more financially stable here than you. So Ahjussi, can you send him to Seoul and pay for his treatments?" And Jaemin dropped on his knees. "I'm begging you, Ahjussi."

"Jaemin, just so you know, even though I am the most financially stable individual here in our town, I can't afford Chenle's treatments and checkups. Chronic ailments treatments are really expensive." Jaemin's shoulder dropped, all the determination and happiness leaving his bliss for a moment. "But don't worry, I have a friend in Seoul that can help Chenle. I’ll contact him and try my best to help Chenle."

That was the only thing that Jaemin needs to hear to lower himself in front of their town's most respected person. "Thank you, Ahjussi!"

"Halmeoniiii!!" Jaemin screamed, ignoring all the suspicious and livid stares his neighbors were throwing him. ‘Chenle will be saved’, was the only thing that's running in his mind. "Halmeoni! I did it! I convinced the Mayor to help Chenle." He embraced his grandmother tight enough to make his grandmother choke as a joke. "Aigooo! Loosen up your tight hold on me dear."

"Halmeoni. I've never been so happy." Jaemin let go of his grandmother with a smile that can actually tear his cheeks due to how wide it is. His grandmother ruffled his hair the way she did when Jaemin first came here in the town. "Jaemin, I'm so proud of you." Jaemin badly wanted to cry at the moment, it felt so surreal having someone feeling happy with your existence, with what you’re doing even with your visions. "Thank you, Halmeoni. I'll save Chenle. And that's final."

The next day, he started his day with a beaming promises. He felt that fatigue was eating his whole system but he shrugged every bits of tiredness in his body, because he'll have to teach his students today and that means, Chenle, his favorite pupil will be there.

However fate seems to be playing tricks on him. Because just like yesterday, the mysterious guy is there. Again. Beside Chenle. But he can’t let such an illusion ruin his wonderful day right? So instead of asking who the guy is like what he had just done yesterday, he just went directly to Chenle and ruffled the kid’s hair. "I have a good news for you." Jaemin said with a poised confidence. "We're going to Seoul together!"

His favorite pupil's smile warmed all the uneasiness and fatigue Jaemin's system were enduring. "Hyung! You're the best!" And he hugged Jaemin with all the strength Chenle have for a fifteen year old ailing kid.

The mysterious guy looked at him intently before disappearing. And Jaemin felt another vision coming. "E..everyone, can you please solve the problems in the paper inside my bag? Ningning, get the papers and distribute them." The shy kid named Ningning did as what she was instructed, Jaemin grabbed the nearest pen and paper and he closed his eyes as he gets thrown into a dreadful vision.

Without consciousness grappling him, he wrote. _April 23, 2015._

Jaemin breathed deeply once he opened his eyes. It was about the guy, the mysterious guy beside Chenle. But it's not the ‘who’ which made Jaemin feel utterly vulnerable and perplexed, it was the ‘when’. April 23, 2015-- and according to his cellphone's date and the calendar on his bedside table, it's already August 08, 2016.

It was the very first time that the death already happened before it came through Jaemin's vision. Usually it ranges from three months to five years. But never once did he saw a vision like today. However, it wasn't the only first time Jaemin was experiencing. The mysterious guy's appearances and sudden presence. Jaemin never had a vision of someone who wasn't there beside him, near him physically.

"April 23, 2015?" Chenle read what Jaemin wrote on the yellow paper. "Hyung! Your handwriting is getting messier day by day." Chenle teased him. But Jaemin can't fight a smile back because he's deeply engraved and curious with everything. He gulped and with a nervous glance, he crumpled the paper. "Don't mind this."

"Isn't that the day that you got discharged from the hospital? Am I right hyung?" Chenle asked him. Jaemin's world froze.

It can't be. Is he related to this mysterious guy?

Jaemin felt that the little kids were looking at him intently so he tried to surpass any more sweat beads forming on his forehead. "Ahh, yes. How sweet of you to remember, Chenle-yah." He nervously laughed and Chenle snatched the crumpled paper on his hands, opened it with his fragile fingers. "It was Jeno hyung's birthday too."

"Jeno?" Jaemin never heard of such name ever since he came here in their little province, which is actually already seven months. Chenle threw the paper into thin air and sighed before answering with a depressing tone. "He used to live here. He's around your age. And he's really a nice hyung too."

"Then where is he now?"

Chenle just looked at the vast field, and dropped his shoulder. And Jaemin could feel all the sadness lurking on his favorite pupil’s aura. "He can’t be here. He’s already dead."

"Oh." That's the only thing Jaemin could mutter at the moment. After about fifteen seconds of disheartening silence, "M-mind if I... I ask what happened?" Jaemin asked.

"I'm really sorry, Saem. But I don't think it's appropriate for us to talk about the deceased ones. Jeno hyung is already in the afterlife. We should not bother him any longer." Ningning intervened as she dropped the questionnaires and her solution paper on the table. "Here's the answer to your question, Saem. I solved them using the formula you gave us three days ago."

Chenle apologized and he grabbed the pen inside his bag to start answering the questionnaire Ningning handed him moments ago. The mysterious guy appeared again. But this time, he did not disappear. He was just there. Standing awkwardly, glancing to the little kids with concern vividly written on his eyes and occasionally staring at Jaemin. Jaemin sensed a familiarity but he shrugged it off.

The mysterious guy never left. He just stayed there.

Soon it was night time and Jaemin sent all the little kids in their respective houses. "Chenle, tell your dad about the tour in Seoul that we'll be having weeks from now okay? Tell him the Mayor already shouldered everything." Chenle smiled and waved happily at his favorite hyung. But before Jaemin could move his hand to wave at his favorite pupil, the invisible mysterious guy is already waving at Chenle. Jaemin withdrew his hand and just smiled at Chenle. He’s too perplexed and uncertain with everything. When Chenle opened the door of his little disordered home, Jaemin finally gathered up the courage to ask the mysterious guy who the hell is he.

"Excuse me. Wh..who are you?" It was a whisper, not intended to be heard.

The mysterious guy turned to him and smiled but it never reached his eyes. "I knew you'd forget."

It was like a promise that never happened, it was like a dream that never came back-- the mysterious guy disappeared into thin air. Leaving a puzzled Na Jaemin on the rice fields in front of Chenle’s house.


	2. second vision

Days passed, nothing unusual happened to Jaemin's predictable routine. The mysterious guy never showed himself up anymore. The reason, of course Jaemin wouldn't know. But that doesn't change the fact that Jaemin is still baffled and tossed with the guy's words, _I knew you'd forget_. Jaemin recalled everything about his past, but he never met him before.

The brunette ruffled his hair out of frustration. "Urrghhh!" He growled silently.

"Saem! What are you doing with your hair?" Chenle asked worriedly. Jaemin sighed before smiling at his favorite pupil. "It's really itchy. Maybe dandruffs are taking a toll on me already." He joked. But still, he could never get the picture of the mysterious guy's disappointed look at him out of his head.

"Yah! Chenle-yah. Do you know a guy, whose height is around mine, he has pair of small eyes but they're not that small and he's... handsome?" To avoid embarrassing himself to his student, the last word came up as whisper.

Chenle shook his head while pouting. "Hyung. I know lots of hyungdeul who’s almost as tall as or probably taller than you, who have little to no eyes at all. There's Sicheng hyung but he's actually in China right now. Ah! Je..." Chenle looked around suspiciously before he grabbed Jaemin's collared shirt and he said in a low voice. "Jeno Hyung has small eyes too, and he's more or less taller than you."

"Huh?"

Chenle cleared his throat before answering. "But you probably hadn't met him or Sicheng hyung at all."

"That's the point! I mean I can't remember any scene in this life of mine with that guy, but... uggh."

The little kid looked puzzled. "Hyung? What are you saying?"

"Don't mind me. Chenle. It's just that, there's this guy..."

His favorite pupil knowingly smiled at him. "Tell me about it."

Jaemin looked baffled. Surprised that the quiet little ball of sunshine is actually eager to know one’s story about such thing. Jaemin unconsciously grinned at the other’s cuteness. "Don't mind what I said. I'm just kidding."

"Hyung!" Chenle pouted, and did Jaemin mentioned that Chenle's pout is honestly one of his weaknesses? Chenle is just too cute for someone who's just a year younger than him.

"Fine. I'll tell you. But be sure to keep your mouth shut okay? Don't spread my secret."

The petite pupil with a soothing smile grinned at him. He looked playful and happy and Jaemin can't be happier seeing those he cherish most experiencing their bliss of a lifetime. However, Jaemin's smile never reached his eyes-- he remembered the due date. The deadline. The end. The village's head still hasn't gave them train tickets and flights to Seoul. And he can't help but get immensely worried about the younger’s health.

"Hyung? Are you okay? You look... terrified." Jaemin shrugged off such a depressing thought. He shook his head lightly. "I'm fine Chenle--yah. I'm just thinking about some certain things."

"Certain things like the guy with a small eyes who's almost the same height as you? Woah. You guys are progressing too fast without my knowing!" His favorite pupil whined. Jaemin shook his head. But he let the kid continue teasing him for whatever reason.

"He started showing up in front of me, like-- he was just suddenly there. And I thought he's some sort of hallucinations or stuffs, but I don't really think he is just those kinds of things. He's tall, probably the same height as I am. He has a small sad eyes, which I can't help but to grow unto. His oddness makes me so curious and interested on his whole being, and he feels... familiar. I feel like I've known him from somewhere, but I can't recall or hark back to some events that I shared with him. And then, he'll just suddenly say that he'll knew that I'll forget. That's damn confusing." The uncertainty and unsureness is clearly seen on Jaemin’s tone but the younger understands him nevertheless.

The younger nodded at every statement. "Hyung, don't you think he's some sort of a ghost or something? You said that he just suddenly disappear. And that doesn't sound too stalker-ish or human-y. I also don't think he's just an admirer of yours."

Jaemin laughed as he ruffled Chenle's hair. "You believe in such things?"

Chenle shook his head and looked at the empty vast field and the cool breeze of August made his hair fly off in every direction. "I believe everything that you'll say, Saem." And he looked at his favorite Hyung and gave Jaemin the loveliest smile the brunetter had ever seen. "You believed me when I told you, I wasn't adopted but it's really obvious that I am. You trusted me more than the other kid here, you have your trust and faith in me. You even helped me with everything. So why won't I believe you? Even though ghost and spirits are too magical, I will always believe in you." The younger awkwardly laughed at his statement.

Jaemin can't fight the tears streaking down his youthful face anymore. How sweet must have it been knowing that someone is actually willing to believe him even with all the oddness and qualms he brought.

"You speak like you're older than me, Aigoo. Chenle- Harabeoji." He joked.

"Stop crying, Jaemin-ahh." And the younger ran off the vast field.

"Yah! Did you just talk informally to me? You, the cutest kid here... talked casually to his dearest teacher? Yah!" Jaemin ran after the shorter kid. "Just make sure, I don't catch you or I'll definitely tell your father that how you suck at Mathematics and that you can't solve a simple math equation.”

Chenle just grinned and ran further.

But he suddenly stopped.

And Jaemin's motherly instinct kicked in.

"Ch..Chenle?" He examined the little boy's facial structure and the heavy breathing. "Are you okay?" The teacher asked worriedly. Chenle looked at him, exhaustion evident in his eyes. The tired petite guy tried to smile, but he suddenly collapsed. And just like that, every ounce of happiness that bubbled inside Jaemin's body instantly disappeared.

"Yah! Don't play jokes like these or I'll definitely leave you." Jaemin grabbed Chenle's fragile wrist and felt how faint Chenle's heartbeats are. Without wasting a second, he carried Chenle's limp and barely breathing body and ran towards the Mayor's house.

Just like before, he welcomed the sight of the Mayor's home with a loud screaming of _'Ahjussi's_. Same as what happened days ago, the guard tried to hush him. But he never lowered down the volume of his voice, he continued shouting, yelling and begging the Mayor to help the dying kid in his arms. "Ahjussi!" But instead of the lanky Mayor from their town, the door was wide opened by a little kid just a year younger than Chenle.

"Jaemin hyung? Chenle hyung?"

"Jisung-ie!! Where's your Appa?"

"He's not here, he's with a meeting with someone from another town." The little kid answers as he made his way towards the two.

Jaemin can't help but scream profanities without minding that Jisung is too young to hear such words.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

"Hyung? What's happening?" Jisung asked anxiously as he ran towards the gate to open it and welcome his best friend and his hyung. "Why is Chenle hyung sleeping in your arms? Lele hyung, wake up. Do you want to sleep in my bed? I have tons of plushies there--"

"Jisung-ah, listen to me."

Jisung watched how sluggishly and painfully Jaemin's tears were falling.

"Hyung..." Jisung tried to wipe them but Jaemin stopped him. "Listen to me."

"Where's your Appa? Chenle, his... heartbeat is so faint. We have to send him to Seoul for treatments! Please. Tell me. Where is your Appa?" _He only has a little over three months_ , Jaemin wanted to point out but his rational side stopped himself.

Jisung held Chenle's wrist to feel his how excruciatingly quiet and shallow his breathing is. He looked at Jaemin and the teacher can see just how sad the younger is, his brown orbs is filled with nothing but sadness. Similar to him. "He told me that he'll meet someone today. But I don't exactly know where or who will he meet. Appa never speaks to me about his appointments."

The younger boy with a cute fringy hair slowly touched and caressed Chenle's face. "Lele hyung, are you okay?"

And Jaemin cried harder after seeing how tears were slowly prickling Jisung's blissful face. Death is too cruel to take someone who’s too pure and lovely in this world, and it's not just that-- death is too cruel to hurt those who loves you dearly. "Jisung-ahh. Please help me convince your father to do something as soon as possible, Chenle is sick and if we don't do anything to help him. He will...." Of course he can never utter the word that had been the reason of everything, _die_.

Jisung tried to wipe the little tears falling from his eyes while still having a tight grasp on Chenle's limp hands. "Will Lele Hyung leave me too?" Jisung asked and he tightened his hold on Chenle’s lifeless hand. "Will he leave my like my brother did? Will he be like Jeno hyung too?"

Upon hearing such familiar name. Every emotions blinding his rationality seemed to be like a roller coaster ride. Messy. Unknown. Scary. "J--jeno?"

But instead of answering Jaemin, Jisung just opt to ask the question circling his whole existence. "Will he leave me too?"

And Jaemin can't understand everything at all. It was as if, his visions were finally taking toll on him. As if death is reminding him that he should never interfere, that he should know his place and never interact or play games with fate again.

\---

Chenle woke up in an exhausting manner, his whole body screaming profanities at him and fatigue is still washing over him immensely. He studied the place and recognized it as Jisung's bedroom. He breathed a sigh of relief. He tried to stand up, but before he can do so-- the door opened wide enough to make a space for four people, Jisung has a habit of that. "Jisungie?" He whispered and chuckled at the same time, he doesn't have enough energy to talk louder or even with a normal tone.

"Lele Hyung!" And the younger ran towards him with a huge smile pasted on his face. But once he get to hug the weak form of Chenle's body, Jisung sniffed and cried again. "H-hyung... You made me so worried." Jisung hugged him tighter. "I thought you're really going to leave me!" And the younger cried harder than he did when Lee Jeno died, _April 23, 2015._

And Chenle just patted Jisung's slim frame. It was like he is afraid that one move from him will make the younger much more broken. Jisung never cries. Jisung had always been the strong independent guy who never shed a tear even when his biological mother left him, even when his body feels so sore from dancing. Jisung never cries. But of course something will always be an exemption-- _death_. Jisung cries about the death of those who are lovely to him.

"I'm not going to leave you. I'll leave everyone else but you."

And Chenle cried at his own comeback. Jisung had always been his best friend, and it shatters him seeing the younger so vulnerable in his arms. Jisung looks so fragile, and Chenle is afraid to destroy him with just one single move. So he smiled. Wishing that that kind of thing might make the younger stop from crying. Because that's the most ironic thing Chenle had witnessed from the younger, Jisung dreadfully shedding tears. Chenle actually wanted to laugh because Jisung made fun of him when Chenle scrapped his elbow while they were playing, playfully mocking Chenle that he is a crybaby. But right now, Jisung is crying harder than Chenle had ever done. "Jisung-ie."

Jisung wiped the dried tears from his cheeks and he tried to smile back at his friend. "Hyung..."

"Stop crying, you look really ugly right now." And Jisung playfully and lightly smacked his forearm. "Shut up hyung." And he hugged Chenle like he's his favorite teddy bear.

Everything is the oxymoron of everything, Jisung cried, not to mention that he is being clingy too. Chenle just smiled. It was nice seeing Jisung out of his shell once in a while.

The door opened, but it isn't like how Jisung opened it widely. Jaemin just peeked at the door and Chenle turned to look at him. Jaemin beamed at the sight. He politely bowed and closed the door once more.

With a determined smile. He tightened the hold of the two tickets to Seoul.

Jaemin told Chenle's father that he's sleeping at the mayor's home and that they'll fly to Seoul three days from now. Chenle's father told him to take good care of his son, and Jaemin just nodded with a delightful beam pasted on his lips. "I know that you are aware of what's happening in your son's health. Luckily, the mayor found some help from one of his colleague. And oh, Ahjussi the mayor also gave us a place to stay."

Chenle's father just smiled and he muttered. "Save my son."

And Jaemin took that as a thank you. So he bowed and left to spread the good news to his grandmother.

But his face immediately fell once he perceived the sight of their living room, the mysterious guy is there. And what shook him harder is that, the mysterious guy is having a friendly conversation with his grandmother. He gulped the lump forming in his throat. "H...halmeoni?"

"Aigoo, Jaeminie is here." And his grandmother looked at him and welcomed him with a warm hug. But Jaemin remained frozen. "W...who is he?" And he pointed at the mysterious guy sitting across the seat his grandmother had taken moments ago.

His grandmother face fell. "You can see him?"

Jaemin fearfully nodded while never taking off his eye from the mysterious guy. The guy smiled at him, but Jaemin saw hurt in his youthful eyes.

"He's..." The mysterious guy cut his grandmother off, "I'm Lee Jeno and it is nice meeting you _again_ , Na Jaemin-sshi."

Jaemin can't find any other adjectives that might describe everything right now except, peculiar. "H...how d-do you know my name?"

"15th floor ghost, it was nice seeing you alive." And with that Jeno looked at Jaemin's grandmother and just like that. He vanished into thin air.

"Halmeoni... who is he?"

His grandmother just shrugged. "What do you want for dinner?"

Jaemin breathed deeply. "Halmeoni, who is he?"

However, his grandmother is persistent about changing the topic. Afraid that maybe his grandson is not yet ready for the answers to this whole thing. "What do you want for dinner?"

You can call him stubborn or what, but he can never let the question die down. "Who is he?" He said with his most stern voice. "Halmeoni, why can you see him?"           His determination to seek for the answer are clearly shown on his voice.

"He already told you, I'm pretty sure he already introduced himself a while ago. He's the late Lee Jeno. Our Mayor's eldest son, Jisung's hyung and--"

"He's already dead." Jaemin cut his grandmother off.

"I know."

"Then how is it possible that you can you see him?"

Instead of answering her grandson's question, she just smiled. "I don't think you have to know the reason, Jaeminie."

"Huh?"

"Jeno wanted me to see him. So that he can say sorry to the guy he fell in love with." And the last part is too inaudible for a confused Na Jaemin to hear. "He wanted me to help him, to help someone find answers. Jeno seek out for my help. Now, Na Jaemin tell me, what do you want for dinner?"

After dinner, Jaemin would actually never call it that since he just zoned out for an hour or so at the dining area. Completely ignoring the looks his grandmother were throwing him. Jaemin went to his bedroom, he forgot to spread the good news to his grandmother. "That can wait." He muttered to himself as he tried to reach at the lamp on his bedside table to turn it off. He was about to close his eyes when something caught his sense of sight. _Jeno_.

Jaemin recognized it as the mysterious guy who keeps showing at some ungodly timing. "Jeno--sshi?" Jaemin called out proud that he remembers the guy this time.

Jeno looked back at him. "Its foreign hearing my name from that silly mouth of yours. I missed it." And the mysterious guy took a stride towards the brunette’s form. "Though, I'm still upset that you forgot about me."

Jaemin just remained quiet. Jeno keenly looked at him in the eye, the brunette nervously fidgeted. There is something uncannily familiar with those eyes but Jaemin can't comprehend it yet. "But I'm also thankful that you can't remember me."

"Huh?"

Jeno grabbed Jaemin's left hand and intertwined it with his almost invisible ones. "I'm just really really glad that you're fine."

"I... don't understand." Jaemin whispered. But it came out like a question. Jeno's free hand reached out to touch his hair and the mysterious guy tidied it up. "You still don't comb your hair before bed?" The ghost brushed off the latter’s bangs with a soft smile.

His curiosity is killing him little by little, how can this guy know that much about him? Even his father isn't aware of his habit of combing his hair only once a day. "How do you know me?"

"Fifteenth floor ghost." He tightened the hold he has on Jaemin's hand and he smiled at him, this time Jaemin can't saw any trace of sadness in his eyes-- there in those small eyes are just mere disappointments. "You are my fifteenth floor ghost."

"Fifteenth floo--" He heard footsteps, and Jeno hushed him with his index finger. "Sshh. I'll see you tomorrow."

And Jaemin forgot how to breathe when the mysterious guy leaned in to kiss him. It was just lips touching lips, just a smack but Jaemin's face grew beet red and his heartbeat amplified ten times faster in a beat.

"Who are you?" He asked before Jeno can disappear into thin air. "Don't tell me your name or what, I am asking you, who are you?"

Jeno leaned in to kiss him again but this time on his forehead, before stating the words that made Jaemin's heart skip.

"Your first love." And with that he disappeared into thin air.

Jaemin got up from his position and he touched his lips, the kiss is almost unnoticeable since Jeno is almost like an air. However Jaemin felt it, and he can't erase the feeling of having those lips on his. It was weird that Jaemin's heart is tugging him to the edge of familiarity but his mind is probably blinding him from getting there. He looked at his palm and saw how sweat beads were formed in there. "Lee Jeno, just who are you?" Jaemin wished to remember everything so that his answers regarding the said boy will be answered but yet there is something that's pulling him back to his unconscious state, he is wary.

"Lee Jeno, you asshole!!" And he ruffled his hair out of frustration, completely making a mess with it. All Jeno's effort of fixing them was thrown, but all Jaemin's effort of living in peace is also shattered. It's a tie, he thought.

Before he fell asleep, his mind seemed to drift off to an acquainted place. 1503. With that, sleep robbed him to his slumber.

The moment Jaemin woke up, he almost screamed profanities because Lee Jeno's face is just an inch away from him.

"Yaaah!--" Jaemin was about to shout but Jeno hushed him. "Good morning to you too, Nana. Brush your teeth, your breath stinks." Jaemin removed Jeno's hand from his mouth and he sniffed his morning breath. Gross. He got up to brush his teeth and when he got to his room's bathroom-- Jeno is holding his toothbrush and he's already done pasting the right amount of toothpaste Jaemin normally uses. He reached out for it but before Jeno gave him the toothbrush, he leaned in to kiss his forehead. "Brush your teeth, Nana." He singsongs while happily striding out the bathroom and Jaemin chuckled at how playful the ghost acts. It was nice, Jeno's a nice... guy? Or spirit or whatever he is. And it's enough that he makes Jaemin smile even though he builds tons of confusion in the latter's brain.

After Jaemin is finished doing his daily morning routine, he isn't as surprised as yesterday when he saw Jeno casually talking with his grandmother. "Good morning, Halmeoni." And he kissed his grandmother's cheek. He turned to look at Jeno, and Jeno is pointing at his cheeks too, as if he's asking Jaemin to give him a morning kiss too. His grandmother laughed at the ghost's action, Jeno was actually really kept and prim when he was still alive and it feels different seeing him act cute and clingy now that's he's well on the other side.

"Jeno! Stop harassing my grandson."

The jet black haired ghost pouted. And Jaemin fought the urge to smack the brain cells out of the dead boy. It's like every mysteriousness Jaemin found on him when he first saw him appeared and was now replaced with a friskiness he oddly finds satisfying. He grabbed a waffle from the cooling rack and started making his coffee. "I thought you hate coffee?" The ghost asked him. "You told me that you prefer milk chocolate or hot cocoa for breakfast instead of the bitter taste of coffee."

Jaemin stopped mixing his morning coffee, he looked at Jeno, confusion clearly written on his face. "H..how do you know?"

"You're my fifteenth floor ghost right? You told me that when you saw me prepare a coffee for myself." Jeno stood up and he bowed to Jaemin's grandmother. "Halmeoni, I have something to do." And Jeno wiped himself out from the scene just like how he always does.

The latter sighed once the spirit is nowhere to be seen. He's damn curious with how a certain vision knows so much about him. "I used to hate coffee. How does he know that?"

"He'll soon tell you. Once you're ready you'll know who he is. Don't get too stressed about Jeno, he's taking his time. And you take yours too." Halmeoni smiled at him before she continues. "Jeno is so reserved when he was still here, he's a great listener but he rarely talks. I wonder who changed him."

After Jaemin finished his breakfast, he grabbed his bag to head to where the children are. He has to teach them before he leaves for Seoul. He fixed his hair while looking in the mirror. He had grown thinner, he touched the bridge of his nose. A habit he had inherited since he can remember. He was about to comb his hair but the comb fell out of his grasp, his eyes grew wide. A vision.

He let out an inaudible cry while trying to get a hold of the table for support. Jaemin breathed heavily--- flashes of sceneries flashed in front of him before it focused on an apartment. 1503.

Jaemin saw Jeno in his vision, he's holding fourteen tablets of sleeping pills. And right in front of Jeno, is... an almost invisible Na Jaemin. Jeno said something, but Jaemin can't hear a thing. "Je...no." Just like how Jeno always disappears in his sight, Jaemin did the same.

_Leaving Jeno and his fourteen tablets alone._


	3. third vision

Rapid breathing, fists clenching, tears rolling. Na Jaemin fell out of his balance. "So that was how Jeno died?" He asked himself in a low voice, while trying to pinpoint why he is in the vision from the very first place. But Jaemin saw how devastated Jeno looks when the Jaemin from the vision left him, Jaemin saw every ounce of hurt. That he can't help but loathe his vision self for leaving someone like that.

"You had a vision?" Suddenly Jeno was there standing in front of him, offering him a hand as if that could help Jaemin. The latter nodded while he was wiping the tears off.

"It’s about you." The brunette had the courage to tell the ghost. "Suicide?" He asked.

The jet black haired ghost shook his head. "Someone told me that we'll be together if I'll do that."

Something inside Jaemin pricked his heart. It was as if the guy with the most beautiful sad eyes had just done such act to be happy—yet, he just ended up being lonely. "Jeno."

"Uhhm." The spirit hummed in return.

"What are you really?" Jeno shrugged at the question the brunette threw at him. "I don't know."

"Spirit? Ghost? Or what?”

"Spirit, maybe. But I'd like to be Lee Jeno, not just a spirit. I'm Lee Jeno and I don't know what I am, but I know who I am. What I am is not important, what matters is that I am with someone I love now." He flashed Jaemin his most striking smile, and Jaemin is blinded for a second. "I'm sorry you have to see that." Jeno sincerely apologized to him while sitting in front of the latter.

"It's okay. Really. But, may I ask you? Why am I in the vision?" Jeno held Jaemin's chin up. "You'll know soon, just keep in mind that you are my fifteenth floor ghost and the answers will come along the way when you're ready."

"Am I that someone?" Jaemin looked straight in Jeno's small eyes. "Am I the one who changed you? Am I the one you're inlove with?"

Lee Jeno answered it with a kiss. "I love you, Nana.”

Jaemin wanted to ask the jet black haired ghost all the tons of questions swirling in his mind at the moment, but before he could utter such interrogative sentences, the door swung open. And Jeno disappeared like he always does.

"Hyung! What are you doing there?" His favorite pupil ran towards him. "Why are devastatingly sitting on the floor like that? Aish. The children prepared a party for us! Let's go hyung!" Chenle pulled the brunette and they ran together towards their little classroom. Jaemin looked back at his own bedroom, there inside that room are barrages of questions he cannot swim through. There in his room is pain and love he can never understand-- and never will for that matter. There in his room is Lee Jeno, waiting to be remembered but also seeking to be forgotten.

Chenle was breathing a little too heavy when they reached the classroom beside the vast field. Jaemin wanted to lecture him about his health, but he knows that he just can't yet. So Jaemin just patted his favorite student's back. "Don't run too fast next time. Arraseo?" The younger just chuckled as if he found the statement amusing.

"They prepared us something worth celebrating, they are waiting for us. It'll be rude to be a little late." Chenle flashed out his smile, before he ran towards his best friend just to poke Jisung’s cheeks. Jaemin eloquently smiled at the scene before him.

"Saem!! We're going to miss you." Ningning loudly stated and that made the latter wander and got lost in his train of thoughts again. "Promise us that after you tour Chenle, the two of you will be back." The little kid showed her teacher her endearing pinkie finger. "Promise me." And she pouted upon finishing her statement.

Jaemin chuckled at the cuteness of the little kid. Remind him again that Ningning is already thirteen years of age. "I promise." It wasn't only Ningning, Jisung and the other kids who held on to that promise, Jaemin himself put all his faith and trust on those words. _I promise._

Chenle together with Jisung who's chewing his kimbap took a stride towards Ningning and Jaemin. "Hyung! Eat this!" And Chenle gave Jaemin a rather nicely prepared bulgogi wrap.

"Who made this?" Jaemin asked after chewing the food and the brunette gave a thumbs up to the younger.

His favorite pupil wriggled his eyebrows before proudly declaring. "Of course me. Jisung and Ningning are just great dancers and mathematicians respectively, but they can't even pick the right amount of bulgogi to make the wrap appealing."

"Yah!" The dancer and the mathematician shouted in unison. "Well, at least I'm much brainier than you." Ningning joked and Jisung just laughed.

"You won't need your math skills while eating, Ningning." Chenle responded coolly. And they continued joking around just like how they do as their usual routine every day before and after classes.

After a while, everyone was still joking with one another and laughing with each other. Yet Jisung became an exemption—the dancer seemed to focus on their teacher’s figure, or rather Jaemin’s side. Jaemin gazed at the younger and noticed how unfathomable the younger’s thoughts are and how preoccupied he is in the second. The brunette turned to look at his right and he's not entirely surprised to see Lee Jeno standing beside him. "Your brother seems to be a little mindful about your presence.” The brunette whispered to Jeno.

"He can sense and feel that I'm here but he can't see me." The jet black haired guy responded and he walked impeccably slow towards his younger brother, yet of course the younger can never perceive him in his sight at that state. Jeno took the seat beside Jisung, and Jaemin has to look away to prevent tears from falling on his doe eyes. The scene is just too heart breaking. Two brothers waiting for one another, hoping to say something that might give each other an ease at heart. He never knew their story, how they grew up or how Jeno left this brother of him for Seoul but one thing is certain, they love one another. "Saem. Why are you looking at Jisung?" Chenle whispered at the brunette, successfully pulling him out of his lingering point of views.

"I was just lost in my thoughts, sorry." Jaemin ruffled his hair. "Will you miss him?"

The younger nodded furiously as if he found the statement a little offending. "Of course I'll miss him. He's my best friend and don't tell him this, but I sometimes refer to as him my soul mate." Chenle laughed at his own declaration. "He had been and will always be my soul mate, but I don't really say this to him since he'll totally kill me for being a little too unmanly. He's been there for me, and he loved me through every little ways that he knows. And he opens up his walls around me."

"You seem to have a really strong bond with him." The teacher pointed out, while affection and appreciation were digesting up inside him. He knew that Jisung is mature for his age, but he never knew Chenle's like him too. "He's my soul mate, we will always share that amazing bond that may fall out, and tangle, and tatter but it can never be wiped out. It's unbreakable. Jisung and I are inseparable."

Jaemin ruffled Chenle's hair. "How sure are you that Jisung's your soul mate? What if it's Ningning who's the soul mate of Jisung not you?" The younger's face looked disoriented and unappeased. "Eehh? No way. Soul mates mug up and learn from one another right? They mold each other's heart and transform them to the better versions of themselves. I certainly believe that Ningning's heart is already molded. She doesn't need a soul mate."

"Be careful, Ningning might overhear you." Jaemin warned his favorite pupil as a joke. "But we'll be back soon, so make a promise to Jisung that he has to hold unto that unbreakable bond of yours for him not to long for you."

"I will. But maybe later, he seems to be zooning out."

So the younger noticed that Jisung is engrossed in his own world too. "Do you have any idea why?"

"Jisung told me that there are times that he feels like his deceased Hyung is around, and during those times he'll be super distant and inattentive with everyone that you might disremember that he's here. I feel like he's sensing that his brother is here with us."

He is. Jeno is there with them. But Jaemin opt to not tell him that, afraid that it might cause confusions that he himself cannot even explain. "Is he that attached to his hyung?"

"They're super close. Closer than what you can envision or imagine. Jisung always told me that he wanted to be like his hyung, he assertively desired to be someone like his brother. That he might trade anything just to make him as friendly as his brother, as cool as his Hyung, as understanding and caring and loving. He adores Jeno Hyung the most. Jisung actually did not talk to anyone when his brother decided to leave for Seoul. He kept every bits of emotions to himself. But I heard how his heart cracked. I felt every exhausted emotions of him collapsing and breaking. But hyung, do you know that when Jeno hyung killed himself, Jisung openly stated that he hates his Hyung the most."

"Huh?"

"Jisung detested his hyung to the point that he did not go to his Hyung's funeral. I was there with him, while everybody was paying their goodbyes to Jeno Hyung. He cried when the news flew to us, but he never shed a tear after. During the memorial service for Jeno Hyung, he told me that. He never knew Jeno Hyung is enormously selfish that he can leave this place and leave everyone else with a horrified heart. If he had known that his brother is like that, he said that he never wanted to be like him any longer. But I don't think that's true. Soul mates know you better than everyone else, and I know he's muttering lies to make the hurt painted on his chest not linger anymore. He's just tremendously shattered and hurt with his Hyung's passing."

Jaemin's wish to save Chenle got greater, because he might not want to see every bits of walls torment Jisung once Chenle dies. Jisung is already hurting with his brother's death, he might not take the mourn if his soul mate dies too. "Just don't leave him." Jaemin reminded the younger.

"I never will." The younger responded prudently, as if those words will try to make the boy with a soothing smile's soul held unto life. As if that statement can make the younger's life much longer. Jaemin held unto that.

After conversing wholeheartedly with his favorite hyung, Chenle grabbed a handful of candies.

"Yah, your teeth will rot."

The younger just smiled. "Jisung likes these." And the guy with a gentle smile flew to his soul mate. Jaemin internally chuckled, the word soul mate is too romantic to describe the friendship of the two but who knows?

"C-can you help me?" A voice behind him stuttered. He scrutinized the scenario and after recognizing it as the mysterious guy's. Jaemin nodded without looking back. "Can you tell my brother that I'm sorry for not keeping my promise to take him to the Namsan Tower? And that I deeply apologize for what happened, but tell him that given a chance-- I will still do it. He may never forgive me but I know he'll understand."

Jaemin turned to look at Jeno exasperatingly. "What do you mean you'd still do it?!" He shouted. The children and the other guests on their not-so-extravagant party turned to look at him, confused and surprised. Jaemin apprehensively chuckled and awkwardly smiled. "I was just practicing a line from my favorite drama. Continue with what you guys are doing, eat. Sorry." And he gave a waffle to Ningning who just giggled at her teacher's sudden outburst.

Jeno chuckled at the sight, and Jaemin badly wants to murder him right there and then because of the embarrassment he caused him. Jeno walked towards the vast field, and the brunette decided to follow him. "I'll just go somewhere. I'll be back. Eat all the food and take some to your parents." He announced and everyone just nodded.

The moment the two of them are finally alone, the ghost sat down on the grass. You can clearly remark that he's observing how picturesque the approaching sunset is. The brunette however, decided to stop the harmonizing silence that enveloped them. "Why would you still kill yourself?" Jaemin asked while taking the seat beside the latter.

"It's more of a sacrificing myself, rather than killing. And I saved someone." The ghost turned to look at him. "And I'm relieved that my sacrifice is paid off well."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone told me that if I die, we'll be happily together. With no more barriers and barrages disconnecting us. That if I die, he'll be able to finally feel my hug. But he told me that he doesn't want me dead-- that he'll wait for me. I held on to his promise."

"Uhh. That must be me?” The brunette asked, little by little completing the puzzled story of him and Jeno. It’s hard to paste and glue the pieces together, since tons of memories are still missing. But one thing is clearly shown—Jeno did what he had done to be with Na Jaemin. “And also, you said it’s more like a sacrifice. Who lived in exchange for your death?"

"That. I can't answer that yet."

"Tell me honestly, am I that someone that you saved?" Surprisingly, the ghost shook his head. "No." He paused for a moment, looking for the right word and searching for the right moment to continue. _"How can I save you when I don't even know how to?"_

The brunette breathed deeply, asking Jeno some question with hopes to get some answers, just makes him wholly exhausted. The jet black haired ghost’s answers are always incomplete, and it makes Jaemin’s entire system tired.

"Can you tell me more about... us?"

But to his dismay, Jeno nonchalantly shook his head. "I don't want to. I want to stay being a mystery to you, Nana. You might hate me if you'll knew how tragic our story is and I’ll be a misery by then. So no, I can't."

"You're strange, you seemed disappointed when I asked for your name, and now that I'm asking you to help me find those fragmented memories of mine, you don't want to." Jaemin pouted and the black haired almost laughed.

"More like a paradox." The spirit muttered under his breath. "You saw a vision right?" Jeno shifted the topic. "About me? One five zero three, April 23, 2015?" Jaemin nodded furiously as if nodding might make his head more open to everything. "April 23's my birthday." The ghost quietly stated and he paused for a while to feel this moment, to cherish this momentum. "I told you that the greatest birthday gift that I can give myself is to be with you, so I died on my birthday." He honestly stated.

"But I woke up." Jaemin pointed out.

"Yes, you woke up from your coma. Fate is cruel isn't it? If I'm fate I would have let Jeno be with Jaemin even for a second before I cut off all their ties and connections. Or better yet if I'm fate, I'll let you wake up on the 24th of April so that Jeno and Jaemin will have at least a day together and be blissful with one another."

Our story sounds like a catastrophe, Jaemin wanted to tell the ghost, but he chose not to, afraid that Jeno might point out that the word catastrophe is not enough to describe their tragic tale. The brunette just sighed. "I'm sorry." He whispered, it was almost inaudible but Jeno heard it well.

"I'm sorry that I woke up."

"Don't be."

“I broke my promise.”

“We all do.”

And just like Jaemin's pledge to being together with Jeno, the ghost disappeared.

Something inside Jaemin's chest is wounded so badly, it was like his heart was shattered into tiny little pieces. He was broken, and he doesn't even know half of the reason why his heart is aching for the boy with a sad smile.

"Jaemin hyung?" Jaemin wiped the tears rolling down his face before he faced the owner of the voice.

"Jisung?" He called out. The younger nodded as he stride towards the older guy. "Why are you here alone hyung?"

I was talking to your brother, he wanted to tell Jisung.

"I was just thinking." And he flashed out the most genuine smile that he can wear. Jisung had been tormented enough. The younger had gone through so much, and he's actually one of the reasons why Jisung's brother left this world. "I'm sorry." Jaemin said as he ruffled the younger's fringy hair. Jisung looked at him questioningly, as if asking the reason behind the sudden apology.

"Will you miss Chenle?" Jaemin changed the path to their conversation, afraid that Jisung might find him weird and psychotic.

The dancer nodded as if that kind of act might make it easier for him not to long for Chenle's presence. "I'll miss him, just as much as I'm missing my hyung right now."

"Jeno?" Jisung just faked a smile that never reached his eyes. Chenle was lying, you don't need to be someone's soul mate to know their pain. Here in this vast field. Jaemin can see how immense Jisung’s suffering is. "Your brother loves you."

"I know."

No words seem to have the ability to fight the silence eating them up, it was really really quiet. Jaemin is itching to ask the younger about the jet black haired ghost who proclaims to be his first love but he doesn't want to trigger a negative emotion on the dancer's wellbeing and he’s afraid that Jisung might break down if he starts mumbling things about his late brother. But he has to do this, for Jisung and for Jeno.

"Jisung-ah?"

"Hhmm?"

"Can I say sorry on his behalf?"

The younger looked at the brunette and he beamed unequivocally. "I am not mad at hyung anymore. I'm a little upset over his death, but I know that he did that because he wants to be happy. He wanted to break free. And I don't want to be selfish to push him to stay when it's obvious that he doesn't want to any longer. You don't have to say sorry. Jeno hyung doesn't have to apologize to me anymore."

There are times that Jaemin has to question Jisung's real age because of his mature nature, and now is one of them. How can a fourteen year old be that understanding? Jaemin would never know. But he's glad. Really really glad.

\----

1503.

"Hyung?" Chenle called out, Jaemin is looking at the apartment number for a minute or two already. "Can you open the door now? My bag's a little heavy."

That pulled Jaemin out of his contemplations.

"Oh I'm sorry." And he grabbed the keys the Mayor handed him hours ago before they left for Seoul. The brunette is a little hesitant about opening the door because 1503 is cunningly familiar. There is this tingling emotion in his chest that hinders him from opening the door.

It was in his vision right? It was one of the vision he has about Jeno before the party. Speaking of the jet black haired ghost, Jeno still hasn't shown himself up ever since that day. Jaemin is actually starting to get worried about the said boy.

"Hyuuunggg." Chenle whined, he nudged his teacher's shoulder while pouting. "My bag is really really really heavy and I really want to rest. Open the door, can you?"

Jaemin apologized for the nth time of the day, and he did what he has been told. However, the moment he opened the door. He clumsily dropped the keys, because there inside the apartment- in front of him is himself and Jeno lying on the couch. W..wha--"

And before he knew it. A vision _came_.

 


	4. jeno's vision

Jeno unpacked his luggage once he finished opening his apartment's door. It was indeed a very tiring day on his life and he can't wait to feel the comfort that eliminates from his bed. Every scene from today is definitely not going well with his luck; the elevator is on maintenance thus he has to climb fifteen floors with the stairs alone not only that, one of his friend accidentally tripped over the music sheet he has been polishing since forever which left him with unreadable transcriptions and the iced americano he ordered from his beloved cafe just three blocks away from his home turned out to be an iced macchiato, and Jeno doesn't like that at all. This day was a torture for him, tomorrow he will have to redo all the notes he had been working on, wait for the elevator to work and make himself a coffee, he was traumatized with the amount of creamer and chocolate inside the iced macchiato the barista handed him this morning.

He brushed the bangs falling from their place because it's discreetly irritating him and he can't feel maddened because he still have to call his brother and tell him stories. That had been a habit ever since he was in their little small town-- it was inherited in his routine to lull his brother to sleep every night and even though he's miles apart with Jisung now he still calls to not shatter the endless monotonous acts he makes with his younger brother.

 

After the phone call he shared with his brother, he realized how much he missed being with the latter. It has only been months yet he’s already longing for his home and everything about the small town he grew up in. Upon realizing how depressing he looks right now, he decided to just busy himself before he goes to bed.

 

While he was organizing the things on his personal counter board, he heard a faint knock from the door. He immediately stopped whatever he is doing to scurry down towards the direction to where his apartment door is located.

"Coming!"

But to his great astonishment, the moment he opened the door-- he was greeted by an empty hallway. Strange.  
"Anybody there?" The jet black haired guy called out, checking if someone is on the hallway; there was no reply. Maybe it was just a prank knock.

He was about to close the door but something caught his attention-- there was sound coming from the empty flat parallel to his apartment. There was no one living there. Unit 1503 has been unoccupied since he can remember. "Anybody in there?" He asked again. And just like earlier he was greeted by silence.

Jeno shrugged it off, thinking that he might have just heard things since he's exhausted from today's event. With a drowsy yawn, he finally took the courage to remove all the curiosity running in his very contemplations at the moment. He closed his apartment door. But before he can take a stride to his bedroom, someone knocked on the door again.

It was the same faint knock he heard minutes ago. Jeno turned to look at his mahogany door, the sign 1504 is intact but you can clearly see that it's vibrating a little. "Who's in there?" Jeno asked politely. He was actually starting to get annoyed but Jeno is Jeno, and Jeno never gets irritated over just a knock on his door.

"I'm your neighbor." Fortunately, someone answered from the other side of the door. Jeno had been in this building for quite a while already but he still don’t know every tenants so he don’t find it odd that he hears the other’s voice for the first time.

"Oh." Jeno opened the door for the nth time of the day and he was flabbergasted to see a guy around his age, hair styled mischievously standing in the hallway.

"Do you need some help or what?"

The brunette shook his head as a gracious sign of saying ‘thank you but I'm not really here for that reason’. The stranger looks cute upon hiding the embarrassment on his face and Jeno found it charming how someone can look so adorable with the cheap luminous light from the hallways as his background. "I just want to ask something. And oh, I'm Na Jaemin by the way." The mesmerizing neighbor offered his hand shyly for a casual handshake, Jeno amicably took it while telling his name as a reply. "Lee Jeno."

But something was off. Yet the black haired guy can't comprehend that at the moment. Maybe because his brain is too worn-out to process that his neighbor’s hand is as icy cold as the iced macchiato he had this morning. "I’m just wondering, have you seen my mom and my dad? Do you know where my parents went? I've been here for days yet they still haven't dropped by. I'm actually getting a little worried. And the other neighbors don't open their doors whenever I knock."

"Ahh. Actually I just got home from the studio I'm working in. I haven't been here whole day so there's a huge possibility that I haven't seen your parents." Jeno stated honestly, the brunette looked disappointed with his answer.

"Is that so?" Jaemin responded while disappointments are blessing his charming youthful face. "Well, sorry for interrupting your precious time." The latter bowed apologetically as he grab the keys from his pocket to open his own apartment door. 1503.

"You live there?" Jeno asked curiously successfully stopping Jaemin from inserting his key on the doorknob of the flat in front of his unit. "I thought that was an empty unit?"

"I thought your unit was a vacant apartment too." Jaemin stated with a smile. "But yes, I do live here. I've been here since I was five actually."

Strange.

The black haired teen hasn’t seen anyone enter that room ever since he came to Seoul. But he just nodded thinking that he may be out whenever Jaemin is in his room. He was about to close his unit’s door, but then he suddenly internally wished to hear more of his neighbor’s voice. There was something on the latter’s voice he finds a comforting and easing. “Oh. Jaemin-shi?”

 

The brunette looked back with a cheeky smile. "Uhhm?"

"Nice meeting you."

"Nice meeting you too, Jeno-shi.”

It was Jaemin who bid his goodbye first and Jeno wondered how he overlooked such a captivating guy who lives in front of his flat. The black haired just smiled.

 

\--

 

The next day after Jeno is done eating his breakfast and he is sipping his soothing black coffee-- he heard another faint knock. It was the same feeble knock last night and Jeno can’t fight back the smile making its way to his thin lips. “Coming!” He shouted with the right amount of politeness and excitement.

 

Jaemin is standing awkwardly on the hallway and he was grabbing the hem of his red baggy shirt by the time Jeno opened his apartment’s door. “Good morning.” Jeno greeted the latter with huge enthusiasm. “What brings you here?”

 

“Good morning to you too. Can I invite myself in your flat?” Jeno looked a little surprised but before he could utter a response, the brunette continued talking. “I’m getting bored, and I can’t do anything productive at my apartment alone. I know we just met last night, but I really need someone to talk to right now. I’ve been alone for days and my sanity is on the edge seriously. The other tenants still don’t open their doors whenever I knock.”

 

The raven haired boy just chuckled at his neighbor’s endearing gestures while explaining why he wanted to invite himself at the unit parallel to his own. “Well, of course you can. But I have to go somewhere to go at one in the afternoon.”

 

“Oh is that so? Am I interrupting you or something?”

 

“Don’t worry. To be really honest, I’m planning to invite you over for dinner later.” Jeno blushed at his statement. Jaemin internally chuckled at the sight of the smiley boy in front of him, how could he not become aware of his pretty neighbor’s existence.

 

“I’d love to.” The brunette replied happily.

 

“How long have you been living here?” Jaemin initiated a conversation while he was watching Jeno clean the dishes he used for breakfast. Jeno offered Jaemin some coffee but the latter denied with a massive amount of disgrace painted on his face.

 

The brunette is still examining the raven’s flat, and he honestly thinks that the unit a little boring. The apartment is indeed plain with no interior designs and extravagant appliances. And Jaemin is actually itching to give some of his extra frames so that Jeno can actually display and frame something on his blank gloomy wall. Somehow the apartment looks like Jeno himself, the raven haired guy dresses a bit too simple for his looks. It’s like every corner of the room screams Jeno’s personality and Jaemin can’t help but appreciate it even though the apartment itself screams the word monotonous—and to think that the brunette doesn’t like anything boring at all.

 

Jeno looked at the guy sitting on his dining chair before answering, “About a month or two? I don’t really know.”

 

“You must have been really busy to not know when you moved in here.” The brunette stated, Jeno knowingly smiled at his company. “Yup. Really really busy. But luckily, the studio hired another composer and my burden became lighter.”

 

“You’re a composer?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Wow. What kind of music do you do?” The brunette asked with amusement clearly seen on his doe eyes. Jeno almost giggled because the brunette looks so cute upon stating his statement. “I love ballad the most, but I also do other genres when my superior asks me to.”

 

“That’s nice. Ballads are seriously really gentle to the point that it can make ones heart at ease. Though I’m not really a great fan of music and stuffs.” Jaemin honestly replied, he looked at the raven haired guy and he hoped that the latter won’t find his statement offending. “I’m more into academics since my mom wishes to see his dearest son receive tons of awards.”

 

“Well seems like we’re on different poles on that part, I’m not really good with scholastic things.” Jeno chuckled casually as he took the seat in front of Jaemin, he just finished fixing and organizing the plates and cups he used. The brunette looked mesmerized at how charming Jeno’s eyesmile are. He suddenly felt a little hot. “Wanna hear some of my works?” The black haired teen asked, and Jaemin can’t say no to such invitation eh?

 

_In music we forgot who we are, and at that moment—Jeno disregarded the music sheet he has to redo, the elevator he has to wait for and the coffee he has yet to drink._

 

\--

 

“Hyung, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Chenle asked worriedly, his teacher suddenly stopped moving once they entered the lonesome apartment, he just stood there in the middle of the room and he’s breathing erratically. And on top of that his companion grip on the keys on his left hand is too strong. At that state, Chenle can proclaim that he is more preoccupied that Jisung could ever been. “Hyung?” The younger called out again, but Jaemin is still not responsing, the brunette still can’t remove his eyes off the dining chairs in front of them. All of the exhaustion pinning on Chenle’s system is replaced with the anxiety about his hyung’s state.

 

“Hyung. You’re creeping me out!” Chenle is actually starting to panic because Jaemin had been unresponsive for a while now. He is starting to get really worried and the sweat beads on the elder’s eyes is not helping at all.

 

And suddenly the brunette’s tears were already falling.

 

The younger kept asking his teacher about what is wrong, or what is happening or why is he suddenly crying in the very first place. But Jaemin’s attention isn’t still on his favorite student.

 

“Jeno.” Was all his hyung’s reply.


	5. jaemin's inception

It took an approximately five hours before Chenle is persuaded that his hyung is really alright. Though, he's not yet thoroughly convinced that Jaemin is fine after such incident happened. The brunette's broke down seriously shook the hell out of the younger. Yet, now that it's evening and they're done unpacking their belongings and organizing their things. Neither of them have the courage to talk about the incident that made the atmosphere densely obscured. The younger is still occasionally throwing concerned glances at Jaemin because who the hell wouldn't? His hyung suddenly blurted out a name of a deceased being, and it's not just someone who passed away, it's Jeno- a suicide victim who's dear to him and his best friend. Chenle's mind is bugging him to ask the latter why did he suddenly dropped Jeno's name like it’s some haggy plate needed to be thrown, but he knows that he shouldn't. So he kept his mouth shut. Chenle will just wait until his Saem is willing to tell him about the emotional break down the brunette had.

 

Jaemin on the other side is feeling a little too heavy-- the aforementioned vision dashed him. It took all the energy he has in his system and it doesn't help that he is currently and will be living inside the apartment where Jeno died. The memories aren't intact yet, but Jaemin is sure-- he sees enough. The brunette wanted the black haired ghost to show up but that would be beyond possible right? This was where the latter ended his life, it'll be strange for him to visit this flat.

Chenle breathed deeply because Jaemin is still zoning out, the dried tears were already unnoticeable but his hyung's strange behavior is anything but invisible.

"Chenle-ah?"

The younger thanked all the saints that finally, his hyung noticed his presence. Chenle's reminiscent smile immediately crept into his face and the air became a little lighter than it was few moments ago. "Yes hyung?" He eagerly answered hoping to make an impression that he's engage to whatever the conversation will be about because he doesn’t have the energy to face the dreadful silence that faced them earlier again.

"I somehow forgot to tell you that we'll go to the Capital Hospital tomorrow. You will be there for checkups. And if you're all well, Han River is just a walk away so we better go there. But if you're not, you'll be confined." The elder stated with a monotonous voice which made it look like it isn't a big, yet to the younger it actually is.

Chenle's beaming thin lips turned upside down. Have I ever mentioned that the younger is pretty damn scared at hospital? It's not that terrifying, but Chenle had never been in one since the little town he lived in for all his life doesn't have those fancy constructions and he honestly pictured a hospital to be treacherously austere white walls. And he's not and he'll never be a fan of such things. Chenle's life is nothing but plain. Wouldn't it be ironic to stay at a place who's the antonym of whoever he is? "Is this about what happened to me days ago? Hyung, I'm fine really. I was just too tired that day.“ He asked nervously, the younger fiddled while internally wishing for Jaemin to change his mind- to not bring him to that scary too bleached building.

The brunette finally looked at him in the eye. But Chenle isn't assured if he's happy to see so many emotions in those doe brown orbs. It's the very first time for him to witness Jaemin holding those piled burdens in him, and the younger can't help but get anxious. The brunette breathed deeply, as if the air is suffocating him and he has to breathe them all out to live. "We have to be sure. It's just a checkup. Don't worry. I won't leave you."

The younger just nodded, he himself is a little worried about his own health. But of course he never talks to anyone about that. Chenle looked at Jaemin and he saw that Jaemin is again, preoccupied. "Hyung?" He called out, he will have to let the elder know how worried he is even though he swore to not make the other much more elapsed with those heavy feelings he is harboring on his own. The latter turned to look at him and Chenle yearned for a power that can make him read the elder's mind. Those brown orbs of his hyung is too elusive to be read, too sad to figure out and too complicated to be appreciated. It was entirely like the brunette. Kept. Vague. Scared. Sad.

"Hyung, can you be honest with me? I mean, I can't just shrugged off what occurred to me earlier. I'm seriously really really worried. I'll go to the hospital tomorrow with you but you have to tell me what seriously happened earlier."

"Chenle, that's nothing."

"You can't call that nothing hyung, when in fact that's everything but nothing. Hyung, please. I'm completely really bothered. I just can't kick what I've witnessed out of my head." Chenle took the seat beside the brunette, he held Jaemin's arm and he smiled at him. The same smile he had been wearing every time he's too rapturous to this world, the same smile that made him feel a little less lonely. "Hyung, you can trust me."

Jaemin closed his eyes upon absorbing the younger's words. He sighed desperately, and you can see at this state of him that he is precariously worried and stressed about himself too. "Chenle, I know. I know you trust me. B-but I don't think you'll get this... whole thing. I myself isn't even fully known to what the hell is my relationship with Jeno. I'm as confused as you are."

"Hyung, you need someone to listen to all those frustrations you have kept in your mind. I'm very much willing to listen. And really, I need some answers for me to lessen my worries, I have to be sure you're fine."

Jaemin never understood everything, but he knows enough. So with one last heavy sigh. "It was Jeno, the guy I told you about. It was his spirit who intrigued me, it was his eyes that bugged me endlessly to my sleep. It was him whom my ghost self fell in love with."

"Jeno-hyung? As in, Jisung's older brother?"

 

Jaemin nodded at the younger's question, but it turned to be him nodding and agreeing at his own words. "He loved me."

"He's dead."

"Even before he died. Even before I woke up. Even before his fifteenth birthday. I almost died, but his love kept me alive. I don't know the how or the why. The details don't really matter. Because I am certain, he loved me wholly. Too bad I think, he hates me now."

"He doesn't. I know that he always will love you in every ways he knows." Chenle intervened, successfully gaining the latter's attention. "If he's not in love with you anymore, he could have just left you hanging. But his spirit clung unto you. He misses you just as much too."

"I was the reason why he chose to end his life like that. I was the one who pushed him on the verge of his existence." The brunette felt all the lonesome tears he kept in himself flowing. It was all just too much. He badly needs to see Lee Jeno, but the raven is still nowhere to be seen.

No traces, no clues just mere blankness and inaudible screams were left.

 

"Hyung." The pupil cooed apologetically and he patted the elder's hand knowingly. As if silently telling him that it's okay, it’s not you. Chenle felt sorry for making the latter talk about what's bugging him, but it made Chenle feel important, because his hyung trust him enough to spill everything. The pupil smiled at him, with no trace of sadness lurking on him. "Hyung, it's alright. Jeno hyung will definitely not like it when you're like that."

Upon hearing the latter's name. Jaemin never knew he could cry much longer. There in the little apartment, the brunette cried for the memories he shared with a certain black haired but will forever remain unpolished.

 

_Fate isn't cruel, Jaemin is._

\---

Jaemin never wished to open his eyes after knowing what it felt like to be loved by Lee Jeno. The black haired just did everything for him, but in the end Jaemin left him hanging. It was like a river that flew for you, but in the end you chose the sea because the sea has much surface current and is more beautiful for his own convenience. And Jaemin wondered what the world would be like if he opt to stay with the river.

"Hyung?" Chenle just finished dressing up and preparing the breakfast the two of them will share. The younger told his teacher that he'll be the one to do the chores since it's obvious that the latter is still shook with everything. He also joked that Jaemin might burn down the whole apartment if he'll be in charge of cooking. Jaemin just chuckled, but then it's obvious that he's faking it. The younger just laughed. “What time will we go to the hospital?”

“About an hour or two, just be ready someone will call me and they’ll drive us there. They are the mayor’s colleague who’ll help us.” Jaemin seemed to be at a little better state now than he was yesterday. Chenle just smiled at his teacher, hoping to ease the heartbreak the latter wish to feel. The younger never knew a single way to make his favorite hyung feel a bit better the same way he’s not aware of how the hell Jeno and Jaemin got involved with one another but he just hoped to see Jaemin back to his usual self again sooner.

“Hyung? Do you want to hear me sing?”

Jaemin laughed at the invitation but he nodded nonetheless. Chenle can be an amazing singer, his voice is to die for. Too bad the younger doesn't dream of being one, instead he just kept it as a hobby.

 

When the first note dropped, Jaemin’s tumultuous world stopped. All the rationality he has held in reserve on his dear mind disappeared. It was useless really, shedding a tear for a song he is yet to hear.

But then again, this melody is Lee Jeno’s. And it is anything but useless.

 

\--

“This song doesn’t have a title yet.” The raven haired muttered after playing his unfinished composition nervously, it is the very first time he played the song in front of someone. “It’s not even finished. I don’t really know why I played this out of all the song I had made.” Jeno felt embarrassment eating him so he scratched the back of his neck desperately wanting to make the atmosphere brighter. “Uhh. I haven’t polished it yet. Sorry---“

 

“It’s beautiful.” Jaemin cut him off, the elder turned to look at the brunette and he saw sincerity in those brown orbs. The black haired teen breathed a sigh of relief he’s not even aware he’s holding. “It’s wonderful. I don’t think it need polishing. It’s perfect the way it is”

Jeno turned off the keyboard and he stood in front of his ‘more beautiful than music sheets’ neighbor. “Thank you.” The stress Jeno bottled for the past few days seemed to evaporate upon hearing those words from the latter. “Though I know it’ll never reach the charts, people don’t appreciate this kind of music. I don’t even know why I’m pursuing on finishing this crap.”

“It’s a song that’ll never enter a music chart, a song that’ll never be known by many—but I’m telling you, I am certain. It has the melody people will remember and tune in for a lifetime.” _Just like you_ , Jaemin wanted to add. But he kept his mouth shut.

 

\--

Chenle stopped singing even before he reached the chorus, he’s not even sure why of all the songs he knows—he hummed this one. His teacher is back at his own little world and the younger just heave a sigh silently. He should have just sang his favorite Christmas carol to alleviate up Jaemin’s mood but he doesn’t know why he chose this sorrowful melody. The elder kept his eyes close, and Chenle is narrowly aware of everything. Yet he smiled as he observed how his teacher gets drown into those little fragments of memories he’s dying to finish.

 

“Hyung? Wake up! Someone’s knocking on the door.” Chenle lightly patted Jaemin’s cheek to wake the teacher up. Jaemin internally screamed profanities at himself because sleeping in that undersized dining area is anything but comfortable and he actually regrets seeing that his neck is aching like hell. “Just a minute.” He whispered while trying to sooth the pain in his neck. He swung the door open and before he greeted the visitor. Jaemin looked at the 1504 sign at the apartment door parallel to his. It was still there. It remained as how it looked like in his vision, though he can see dusts and rusts forming in the silver numbers and the knobs. It’s the same.

“Excuse me? Are you Na Jaemin-shi? The guardian of Zhong Chenle?” The visitor successfully pulled him out of his train of thoughts. The brunette bowed at the right angle to show his respect and gratitude. “Yes, I am Na Jaemin.”

“The car is in the basement, we’ll go to the hospital in a minute. Tell the kid to prepare.”

The moment Jaemin and Chenle opened the car door, they were greeted by an enormous building with a huge nameplate ‘Capital Hospital’. The younger gulped the lump formed in his throat, it was as scary as he thought it’ll be. “Hyung? Can we back out now?” He muttered in a low voice. But to the younger’s dismay, the teacher shook his head while he was trying to remember why this place seems uncannily familiar to him.

“Zhong Chenle is already assigned to a doctor named, Jung Jaehyun. He’s in the fifth floor, right wing. Just tell him your name and you’ll get examined.” The guy seating on the passenger seat informed the two. “Everything will be shouldered by my superior, so the two of you won’t have to worry.”  
The inside of the hospital looked too sophisticated for Chenle and it still scares him, but the doctor assigned to him is anything but scary. The man in the white coat smiled knowingly when Chenle opened the room he’ll be diagnosed in. His smile made Chenle feel a little insecure with his. “Do you have a company outside? You can call him in here so I can explain to him some stuffs.”

Chenle opened the door and motioned his professor to come in, Jaemin hesitated because the familiar feeling in his chest is still bugging him but he took a step forward—afraid that the doctor might get irritated if he’ll not be inside in a second. Dr. Jung wrote a prescription on his clipboard before he turned to face his patient. “I heard that you lost consciousness days ago because of fatigue. And the conclusion we can deduce from the tests we had conducted on you is, you have a weak heart. From the looks of it, this kind of ailments are hereditary. You either got it from your mom or your dad. So, I think you must be confined until the diagnosis gets clearer---“ His words got cut off as he looked at the brunette next to his patient. “Jaemin-ie?” Jaehyun dropped the clipboard in his hand when he finally realized that indeed it is Na Jaemin in front of him. That indeed, it is the guy who miraculously came back to life over a year ago.

“Stay in there, I have to get some things. Chenle-yah, as much as I would love to tell you more about your health. I really have to get something for your guardian.” And he stormed out of the room. Jaemin looked completely puzzled and Chenle looked utterly baffled. The two are clueless with how the certain smiling doctor recognized Jaemin. “Hyung? Do you know him?” The teacher shook his head lightly, silently querying himself the same question.

“Here!” Dr. Jung fixed his lab coat as he handed the brunette a timeworn flash drive. “It’s from the raven boy who visits you back when you were confined here. He asked me to give it to you after you wake up, but your mom discharged you and I don’t know how to contact you.”

“What’s this?”

“I don’t really know. He just handed me that few days before you woke up from your coma. And oh, his name is Lee Jeno.”

 


	6. chenle's fiction

It was Chenle who broke the silence after Dr. Jung handed Jaemin the black flashdrive. The atmosphere is so heavy that it looks like Jeno's last gift to Jaemin is a ticking bomb no one in the room has the ability to stop. Hesistant eyes and unknowns minds made the suffocation in the four cornered hospital room much greater. The flash drive became the main subject in the room yet no significant someone has the power to start blabbing about it. Every one inside the suffocating bubble however is certain that it is indeed from a deceased someone named Lee Jeno. But that doesn’t give enough for them to know the why. Clueless. They only know the who, and it kills their sanities trying to figure out the other interrogations that will never have an answer. To say that they are all intrigued is an understatement.

Chenle is greatly and utterly curious about why would Lee Jeno visit his Saem back when the brunette was still unconscious? He can’t find an appropriate answer for that, but Chenle tried with all his might to finish the puzzle of this whole deal in his mind. Everything is a whirlwind but he tried scrutinizing and finding different pieces to fix the puzzle and make it whole. When his eyes dropped on the black flash drive, something in him stirred up. He may be a great mathematician, he may not be the best reader of emotion or analyzing moment for that matter, but he gets it. He hummed a faint sound of understanding and he muttered in a low voice.

"It's a song." His voice is soft, an embodiment of eggshells the three of them are standing over at the moment. Fragile, one wrong move and everything will crack and they will all be welcomed by an ugly sight. The doctor and the flabbergasted brunette turned to look at him, the younger shrugged nonchalantly as if he's acting that he doesn’t find it strange. When in fact, his mind is bugging him to step out of the puzzle that will never have an answer. "He's composer after all." Chenle continued with no hesitation. If there is one thing that he learned throughout the years of isolation in the little town he lives in is that his confidence may not be the key, but it is enough to keep going.

Jaemin has countless questions swirling in his very mind. He assumed he has enough facts, that he guessed enough because he saw it in his visions. But then, with Lee Jeno, the brunette is now sure that he can never know enough. Jeno is a shattered reliquary, everybody finds ethereal yet no one has the ability to fix and be near with. The black haired is the letter, everyone thinks is unreadable.

"I... I don’t get it."

"We all don’t get it. But go, take a listen or check what that really is. I’ll be fine alone.” Jaemin looked at his favorite student and he sees the representative smile from the younger. It calms him a little but he was tremendously cautious and afraid, yet Chenle smiled again, and it’s directed to him. With no words escaping the brunette’s mouth, he left the room with a heavy heart and an even heavier mind. The fragile gift from the guy with a sad smile is safely secured in his delicate fingers. Dr. Jung looked at the door with a broken smile, it is obvious that he is as astonished as everyone can be.

"I... don't get it." The doctor muttered silently, hopeful for an answer.

The patient turned to look at him. "I don't get this whole thing either. But let's wrap that whole scene we just witnessed with the word love." The younger beamed as he tries erasing all the worries written on his childlike face. “Love.” He repeated and chuckled, it surprised him that he will ever utter such word.

"Love is so complicated don't you think?"

Chenle laughed a little. "I’m fifteen, and I don't know."

\--

Huang Renjun is the youngest author to ever win such prestigious award. At the age of sixteen, he is already considered as one of the most notable and influential public figures in Korea. Of course, he is more than happy to receive and be known for such an achievement, to have many people idolize and praise him for his witty remarks and wonderful words but Renjun longed for the freedom people around his age has. So he established a secret. In order to escape the book signing events, the young author fakes injuries. His manager, or his biological brother Qian Kun will just ruffle the younger’s hair and ask the organizer's if they can move the fan sign on a later date or if they can cancel it because the little brother of him is exhausted and he can’t let the young author’s weak frame be a little thinner. If there is one thing, Renjun liked about his career other than writing itself, is that. Kun being there for him. Always.

Every time Renjun fakes his injuries, he will always ask his brother to admit him in the hospital. Because people in the hospital never know who he is. The patients are not aware that the boy who looks malnourished in their eyes is the generation’s most favored author. Inside the building, he is just a patient who goes by the name Huang Renjun, the kid who has a weak immune system and is often admitted because of it. Renjun likes the hospital the most. Unlike other people who loathes the said institution. It is the young author’s breathing space.

"Renjunnie?" His brother knocked on the door. The young author smiled upon hearing his brother's soothing voice. "Hyung?" Renjun responded happily. The door opened and it revealed Kun holding a basket of fruit. Renjun giggled, his brother knows he is faking this whole over fatigue thing. But his hyung never visits him without healthy food and beverages.

"Hyung." He whined. Perhaps to his fans, Renjun is the mature seventeen year old author of the bestselling dystopian novels but to his brother, Renjun is just seven year old baby inside a sixteen year old body. No one ever saw Renjun act this way beside his brother and Qian Kun can never be happier seeing his baby brother step out of his shell a little. So he opened the hospital bedroom’s television and tuned to the channel they love most.

 

"Until when are you planning to be confined?" Kun asked after they are done replaying and watching episodes of some variety shows. Renjun stopped peeling the orange in his hand and he shook his head. "I don't know, maybe another week or two. I don't want to leave soon.”

"Your fans are waiting."

It was ironic for an author to lose the ability to find words, but at that moment. Renjun lost all the words he wanted to banter. "Hyung..." He just whispered while trying to act desperate in front of his big brother. Don’t get him wrong, Renjun adores his fans. Renjun loved the way they support him despite most of them being twice his age. But the young author loves this little freedom he has too.

"Okay, two more weeks then."

The young author smiled. Kun had always been understanding and there are times Renjun hates him for it. Flashes of their family’s history played in the author’s perception, the separation, the misunderstanding, the fights, the law suits. Everything. Kun understood every bits of them but Renjun can’t. The young author isn’t illiterate, but he can never understand such event.

"Hyung, next time. Push me out. Tell me that I have responsibilities, ask me to leave." And with that the author closed his eyes. “You’re really a baby." Kun ruffled the author's hair before cleaning the mess they made and leaving the room after. Renjun remained still. The tangerine’s juice were sticky in his palms but he can’t seem to care.

If there is another thing he hates about his brother other than he understand too much, is that--- Kun guesses everything right.

Renjun woke up the next day. He has no visitor because his hyung attended a press conference on his behalf. Kun is the only person allowed to visit him whenever he is admitted in a hospital. Their mom never showed herself up anymore when thing between their family ended legally and their father died even before Renjun published his very first novel. And the young author knows, he can never write a more tragic story than that.

Minutes passed, he became bored with the television so he decided to roam around the building. He left his room with an IV attached to him, his hospital gown is a little loose and he looks thinner but the young author can't seem to care. He decided to go to his favorite breathing space in the hospital, the rooftop. Nobody goes there early in this morning except him, so he was a little surprised to find someone in his little heaven- sitting prettily in his favorite bench.

Renjun took the seat in the nearest bench next to the stranger. The said stranger looked at him and Renjun bowed as a sign of respect. He’s not sure if the unfamiliar person is older or younger than him, but he bowed with the right angle nonetheless. He doesn’t want to be called disrespectful if the guy near him is older than him. Renjun looked at the vast view in front of him, he’s not in the mood to talk. But the stranger seems to be in the mood for a conversation. "Hello!" The boy's voice is bubbly, and the way enthusiasm is clearly depicted in his eyes makes Renjun beam a little, this is what he loves about the hospital.

People talk as if they can never have the assurance of tomorrow. And that’s enough to make them happy.

"Hi." He replied shyly. “Isn’t it too early for you to be here?” He asked not looking at the stranger a meter away from him. The boy turned to look at him. “I want to witness the sunrise. And how huge the city is down there. Oh, I’m Chenle by the way.”

"Renjun."

 

Comforting silence enveloped the two teen but Chenle decided to shatter the stillness with a ridiculous question. "Why are you here? Are you dying?" Renjun laughed loudly upon hearing his company's statement. The boy didn’t look too serious about his statement so Renjun laughed harder. Perhaps, this could be the loudest laugh he had ever done in his whole entire life.

"You’re funny.”

Chenle rubbed his nape to ease the embarrassment he had caused to himself, but its fine because this Renjun’s laugh is a music to his ears. “You’re cute.”

Maybe hospital isn't as scary as it looks like.  
Or maybe love isn't as complicated as Dr. Jung makes it seem like.  
Or maybe, with Renjun if he's lucky enough, he can find answers to the different questions he longed to know.


	7. nobody's appreciation

"I want a song that will show how painful death is. How passing away can make your heart scarred and shattered without you realizing it." The rising star politely babbled to Jeno and his bosses. “It’ll be perfect for a comeback." He added with the right amount of enthusiasm. The black haired and his friend, Mark nodded while taking notes. The arranger merely just wrote something on his music sheets. Taeil mischievously works that way.

"Do you have any particular requests for your song, like a certain lyrics or something?" The lyricist asked, and the singer just courteously shook his head. "I'll be fine with anything, Mark-sshi. But I would really appreciate it if you can help me make the listeners swam to riddles of emotions. Something like that."

Mark, the lyricist stood up and bowed to the singer. "We'll keep that in mind, Haechan-sshi." The singer just smiled and offered his hand to the trio in front of him-- the lyricist, the composer, and the arranger.

Jeno smiled. But he's not entirely fine with the idea of writing something about death, for some reasons-- the black-haired composer isn't a big fan of such concepts. While the lyricist and the arranger were talking with the singer, Jeno excused himself out of the suffocating recording room. "Mark hyung, Taeil hyung and Haechan-sshi. I have somewhere to go, I'll catch up with you tomorrow."

Taeil, the eldest, the arranger and the owner of the studio nodded at him, a nebulous way of telling the younger to be careful and rest well. Jeno bowed and made his way out of the recording studio.

While he was waiting for the bus, he feels a little uneasy. Thinking about the song he has to make exhausts him big time. Something about death scares him.

He was eight when his mother died, Jisung was six. They may have been too young but their ages never hinders them from feeling negative emotions. Death is just too powerful, jumbled and disoriented, that often times it became synonymous with pain, hatred, agony, burden and despair. It had always been linked with negative attributes that we wish to never exist. And Jeno is never an exception. For him, death is the mankind's greatest enemy. It's the ugly unpolished reality where you will have to leave everyone behind and never be there for them because you have this end you are fearing over. "Lee Jeno, stop deluding and stressing yourself with melancholic thoughts." The black haired reminded himself as he sighed deep enough to free all the warm sadistic words on his trachea. Moments later he heard a familiar voice. The raven haired turned to look and he was surprised to see Dongyoung. The tenant from the eleventh floor, whom he shares an affectionate brotherhood with. Dongyoung had been the big brother Jeno never had.

"Hyung!"

"Jeno-ahh!" Dongyoung waved at the raven haired, and Jeno is waiting for the right moment to tease this closest hyung of his because of older’s new hair color. It was orange, something between tawny tone and brown- it doesn't really give much justice about his hyung's face color and his haircut doesn’t give his hyung any integrity at all. He looked too pale, but nonetheless, Dongyoung still looks as radiant as his bunny smiles. So Jeno decided to drop the teasing and just compliment this huge change that had occurred in his hyung’s life.

"Hyung!" He waved back. Dongyoung jogged to his direction and sat at the bus stop beside the teen. "What's with your handsome face? You look stressed."

"Hyung, it's nothing." Jeno denied.

"Is Taeil hyung still trying to overwork my dearest dongsaeng?"

Jeno shook his head disagreeing with the accusation. "Hyung. It's nothing really, I'm just stressed about the song we're about to make. You know? The genre. It doesn't really suit my liking."

"Death?" The guy from the 11th floor guessed it right. Death. Of course, that had been one of the few things that makes Jeno’s mood drop real bad.

"Eung."

"Then don't make it, tell Taeil you're not comfortable with such things." Dongyoung ruffled Jeno's hair trying his best to lighten the mood of his dearest dongsaeng. "Tell him. I'm sure he'll understand."

The teen sighed for the nth time of the day. "I don't really know why death bothers me this much. It's not like I'm dying or something." He whispered but Dongyoung heard it well yet he decided not to pry over Jeno’s discomfort.

"Do you want me to tell Taeil hyung about this?"

"I'll tell him myself. Anyway, thank you hyung."

"Anytime for my dearest dongsaeng!"

Jeno smiled, feeling a little cheerier because Dongyoung is indeed a fluff ball. "What brings you here hyung? I thought you only leave your flat two times a month?" He decided to change the topic. That statement is true to be really honest. Dongyoung is not the antisocial butterfly or the loner from the backside of the classroom, but he's just not really that much of an outsider despite having a really loud mouth and an entertaining attitude.

"Well, Taeil hyung asked if I could check the song you guys made for an idol, the bubblegum pop thingy for a girl group. Ugh, I don't even get it why does he have to ask me of all the people, I'm not a fan girly girly girly poppy song. And Mark had been asking me to make them spicy chicken stew." Then the tenant from the 11th floor showed Jeno, the lunch box in his hand. "Don't you want to stay in there for a little while and eat with us? I made enough for four people."

Jeno shook his head politely rejecting the invitation. "I don't have an appetite besides I ate a lot before going to the studio."

"You missed this treat though. But you can always come to my apartment."

"They are still discussing matters with a singer named Haechan, so you should knock. I know you have a habit of not reminding someone about your presence, but that guy might feel awkward and all. Anyway, I'll be sure to visit you at your apartment sooner. It's not like you’re not just four floors away from me."

"And I'll be sure to feed you the best spicy chicken stew."

Jeno smiled, this is the reason why he is this close to Dongyoung. "Ah, Hyung. I have a new friend, can I bring him over when I visit you?"

Dongyoung wriggled his eyebrows, indicating that he's a little surprised with the younger's statement. "You never introduced a friend of yours to me before, wow. That friend you'll be bringing must be special!"

"He's special." The raven haired remembered his new friend's smile, shine and technically just him. Jaemin is indeed, _special_. "That means, you have to make your cooking much more delicious! And he lives in the same building as us."

"Oh really? What's his name then?"

"Jae--"

He was cut off by the sound of Dongyoung's ringtone. The older male excused himself and the raven haired just smiled. He mouthed a silent, 'See you again!' And Dongyoung smiled as he swiped the green button. Minutes later, a bus arrived.  
\---

Jeno was trying to start composing the first verse of the song, Haechan is requesting when his favorite faint knock was heard. He still hasn't told Taeil hyung about whatever discomfort he has with the death-themed song so that leaves him no choice but work on the upcoming project. The knock continued and that threw Jeno out of his train of thoughts. The black haired teen stopped whatever he is doing, put his pencil on his organizer, looked at himself in the small mirror beside his table and went towards the door.

"Hi!" He guessed it right, it's Jaemin. The beautiful brunette. Standing stunningly in the hallway. "Hello." The brunette greeted back and he smiled.

"What brings you here? It's past nine o'clock."

"It's not like I'm from another building. My apartment is just technically a second away from yours. And I heard you composing something." Jeno nodded as he made a space for the brunette to enter his apartment. "I was trying to start composing a song for a rising star."

"It doesn't sound like you."

"Huh?"

"The song, it doesn't really show that it was you who's making it."

The raven haired was taken aback for a moment. "W..what do you mean?" He asked flabbergasted and a little bewildered with the brunette's statement. Though he knows, it won’t sound like him, since—it’s not him. Death will never be about him.

"The melody is too superficial, the rhythm is a little off. It's not you. You never emphasize the word shallow in your works. The song's going to be a flop if you keep on repeating the offish tune. You love ballads, and it's obvious you're actually making one. But what's the matter?"

"Death."

"Huh?"

"It has to be about death. And I don't have any idea how the hell I'll be able to make the listeners swam in riddles of emotion when I myself isn't a big fan of one." Jeno sat on his sofa as he brushed his hair, an indication that he is slowly getting frustrated with the melody he is working on. Well, who wouldn't when you are tasked to make something that infuriates you most? Death. Really, Jeno can make a song about heartaches but never about that certain thing that had always had the same dictionary meaning with end. That one thing that constantly delivers an unpleasant truth that lies in earth and hangs with the word life. Nope, Jeno can never make one.

Jaemin took the seat beside the latter as he offered the black haired a coffee in can. Black. Just like how Jeno likes it. "Why is death bothering you that much?"

"My mom died when I was eight."

"Oh." Jeno opened the canned coffee, sipped a little before turning to face the certain brunette that makes him feel things. "When my mother died, I thought that death was just temporary. I waited for her, but it just brought pain to me. I remember my mother telling me that death is always knocking on your door so you have to live a life answering that door, opening it. Embracing it. But how can you dearly hold something that will only bring tears and distresses to you?"

"Isn't that how really death works? To bring pain, to detach people and to tear them apart."

"I don't get it why that singer wanted to poke fun at people trying to overcome the bearings they had dealt with death. That's so fucking cruel."

Jeno never swore. It’s foreign hearing him say the word ‘fucking’. But the brunette can only just shrug and let the latter continue to release tensions he had endured himself. Jaemin opened his own drink, a chocolate one. Somehow he thinks that he has to ease Jeno's bitterness with a mere drink. "You don't get it." He sipped the right amount of chocolate and he smiled at Jeno. "That, whoever that singer is, is honestly just trying to help people realize that they aren't the only ones who are hurt. I personally believe that he wanted to comfort them with music."

"Still--"

"Jeno death haunted you. And it is time for you to form something that can mend that broken soul of yours. Trust me, what you're making is not mocking your pain. Your work is just making you feel things. So that you can realize that--- death hurts but it doesn't just end there."

"You're not making any sense."

"I am. I personally believe that death isn't only about ends or whatnots. I think, it is actually never univocal-- it has its own iridescence and pattern that we cannot decrypt at first. Death is also about new beginnings." Just like how I started knowing you. That's how you started seeing me. The brunette wanted to say but who is he kidding, he cannot let Jeno know the truth. "It is about the tomorrows that won’t ever come to your mortal self. Isn't death just an alley for a better beginning? Isn't it just a passageway that will break down the walls, the barrage that separates you from greater people you have to meet? That it is just that missing puzzle piece that you need to continue and go on with your existence?" The same way I met you, Lee Jeno.

"You're talking about ghosts, paradise, and afterlife, right? Tsk. I'm not a kid you can fool with those craps. I don't believe in them." Jeno sipped his coffee again, and Jaemin thinks it sure is acrimonious hearing such statement from the guy who lives in a parallel unit to him. It's much bitterer than the black coffee Jeno is holding at the moment. Hearing and knowing that Jeno doesn't believe in ghosts.

That he doesn't believe in Jaemin.

The brunette grasp at his own drink disappeared. The drink splattered and dirtied the composer's living room. "Yah, are you okay?" Jeno asked as he tried cleaning Jaemin's shoes that have a chocolate drink all over it. He knelt in front of the brunette. Jaemin didn't say anything. "Are you okay? Jaemin, you’re freaking me out. Jaemi---"

The brunette stopped hearing the words from a certain composer. For the first time after he met Jeno, he felt _invisible_.

\----


	8. one last reflection

"Jaemin?" Jeno knocked on his neighbor's door the nth time. He was a bit beginning to get exhausted because the door showed no sign of opening and he was already waiting for about an hour or two. Work, time and everything except his lovely neighbor be damned. The brunette suddenly ran out Jeno’s apartment after the little talk he had with him and the composer is eager to know the reason why. It was as if he had done something off beam but he can never really look back to such a simple and a rather convincing reason, was it because he cursed? Jeno complicated because why would Jaemin be delicate and feel sensitive with little foul words, it wasn't as if the brunette is a child who heard someone cuss for the very first time. "Nana-yah?" The composer tried again.

"Jeno?"

The raven-haired turned to look around and check who the owner of the voice is, and Jeno is entirely stunned to see his dearest Hyung in the hallway. Jeno's frown disappeared and was quickly replaced by his appealing representative smile. "Hyung!" The composer enthusiastically greeted his friend.

"What brings you here?" He asked, but the other seemed to not hear a thing. Nonetheless, it was still a real shock, Dongyoung coming out of his apartment—coming out to the world almost every moment possible. Jeno feels some sense of proud and happiness for his Hyung.

"What are you doing there?" Dongyoung asked instead. Then he pointed at Na Jaemin’s door, where Jeno is, with a frown painted on his youthful face. The other must have been too busy to notice the tense surrounding the older one. “Didn't you know? Nobody lives there anymore. Anyway, I brought you some cream bun, it’s from the bakery near Taeil hyung's apartment and it surely tastes like heaven!" Dongyoung fabricated and acted being cheery but the baffled picture in his eyes is something he can never conceal.

"W..wait. What?" The composer isn't entirely sure if he heard his Hyung's statement right, but was there really no one living in this apartment anymore?

"I brought you cream bun?" Dongyoung feigned ignorance with the curiosity in the younger's being and innocently answered Jeno's statement while showing the younger the pink paper bag on his left hand. He’s starting to sense something, something bad.

"Not that one hyung, what do you mean nobody lives in this apartment anymore?" Jeno pointed at the door he was facing over the past few moments. He knocked once more and said, "Jaemin does live here though."

Of course, it's none other than Na Jaemin. Dongyoung shrugged and smiled at his dongsaeng. "He used to.”

"Huh?"

“Jaemin doesn't live in this building anymore, they moved out even before you came to Seoul.”

The composer remained silent. So Dongyoung decided to continue his little monologue. "Jaemin was a victim of a hit and run accident few months ago. His parents moved out of that apartment thinking that there was some sort of a bad luck living there. It was just last week when I came to visit him at Seoul Capital Hospital, it’s just a station away here by the way. How come you're interested about him?"

"Ah... No. Nothing. I just heard about him from the tenant and I was just curious that's why." The composer anxiously laughed. In the corner of his eyes, he saw the doorknob of Jaemin's supposedly empty apartment moving but he shrugged it off and opened his own door to invite Dongyoung in.

\----

The two settled with watching an afternoon variety show. The older one kept on commenting about how cute the guest is and how she nailed the speed quiz stuff. "Woah! As expected it’s Son Seungwan. She really has the brain and talent, how come she isn’t that famous? She should have kept Taeil Hyung as her title track composer, her debut track was lit.”  
“Jeno, doesn't it taste good?” He decided to alter the topic to food thinking that Jeno may not be a fan of Seungwan, the underrated soloist from Korea’s largest entertainment company. “I was about to buy cream puffs, cookie dough and salted caramel with chocolate chips croissants but Taeil hyung told me that if I want to get fat, I should never include you in my ridiculous plan.” Then Dongyoung pouted, he really acts quite too young for his biological age at times. “Psh. As if, I'll get fat. He's just jealous of my attractive, sexy and sacred body." Dongyoung's smile at his own compliments dropped his narrow shoulders and nudged Jeno's upper arm. “Am I right?” He winked but still received no response from the younger.

"Jeno-yah." Dongyoung nudged the composer again, this time with a little force, in aid to shake Jeno out of his train of thoughts.

"Hyung, I'm so--"

"It's okay." Dongyoung smiled, he wasn't surprised by this. He himself was more than shocked about the occupant of 1504. "Is it about Jaemin?"

"Hyung."

The orange haired guy dropped the cream bun in his hand, wiped his hand clean and held the younger’s hand, tight. Just enough to make his presence known, just enough to make the younger know that he isn’t alone in this indifferent crazy path. "Jaemin is a great dongsaeng of mine too, I often talked to him before the accident."

"Huh?"

"What I'm trying to say is. Jeno-sshi. Do you want to visit Na Jaemin?"

Maybe it's a wonder how Dongyoung isn't asking him the whatnots regarding his knowledge about the boy he never meant to meet from the very start. But Jeno shrugged it off, at least his favorite hyung isn't adding up to the stress, anxiety and everything he's feeling at the moment. "You're free right now, right? Let's go to the hospital while I'm still in the mood." There it is, Dongyoung’s smile. The real one. The thing that will always help the younger ease his restlessness. Jeno can’t help himself anymore, the composer burst into tears while recalling all the happy memories he had with Jaemin--- thinking that they are all just a lie.

The ride to the hospital is relatively silent and shockingly dull, the taxi driver himself feels the hidden tension but decided to keep his mouth shut. His two passengers seem to be bearing something painful. Jeno's mind is clouded with everything that speaks the question how, what, why and even everything in between. If Jaemin is in the hospital, who was the one whom he found a deep attraction with? If Jaemin practically lives in the hospital, who was the guy who brought melody to Jeno's mute compositions?

If Jaemin is there, almost lifeless and barely breathing, who was the boy the composer fell in love with?

After a few more contemplations, the composer and his lovely friend were welcomed by a huge terrifying building, The place Jeno doesn't want to enter. "Jeno, we're already here." The younger felt every bit of consciousness left his body. Every rationality is waving, his knees were heavily quivering and his mind is little by little clouding deeply. The steps he is about to make embodies every moment he spent with Jaemin, substantial and meaningful yet this kind of feeling is something he wishes to take away.

"Is Jaemin really in there?" He asks one last time, hoping for a joke and laugh from Dongyoung.

"See it yourself." And Dongyoung led the way. If Jaemin is really inside this building, Jeno would never know how he would have the courage to go back home. If Jaemin is really there, was everything just really a lie, a fairy tale not meant to be written---

And indeed, Na Jaemin is there. Sleeping in the hospital bed that makes him look like a pure vibrant angel. Jaemin is there and his ethereal beauty. With all the apparatus and oxygen supply injected in his body. Jaemin is there. Bruised and scarred. Jaemin is there, never in his side.

From that moment, nothing seems to be rational. Jeno ran out the door and bumped into a doctor, who happens to be the one in charge of Jaemin's condition but he did not bother muttering an apology or saying goodbye with his puzzled hyung inside the hospital room. Heck, he did not even try to bother knowing where he will go, but he just let himself run as far as possible from the hospital. Saying he was baffled is not enough, every word confuses him greatly.

It wasn't just a matter of being unaware of things, but rather it is the case of not knowing anything at all.

Jaemin. Everything about the brunette is a lie.

Muddled yet aware. Dongyoung cautiously ran after his dongsaeng-- afraid of what might happen, he had known Jeno for a while and right now he is somehow mindful and alert of what the truth may push. The composer had always bear a sensitive heart. "Jeno!!" He shouted, his balance is ill-advisedly slippery and Dongyoung is really trying his best not to trip over every corner.

"Where are you going?! Yah, you have to talk to me! Lee Jeno!" Yet, fate seems to be on nobody's side after all.

In a glance, Jeno disappeared in the miserable hallway.

\---

His feet brought him to the place he wished to be gone, his mind made him knock on the door he dreamed to be just fantastical realm and his heart spoke the words he never wanted. 1504.

"Jaemin." He muttered, loud enough to make his invisible wound bleed more. Yet not loud enough to answer such questions. "Jaemin." He repeated, wishing to have an answer without being hurt. “Jae----“

And there in the cheap limelight of the hallway, Jaemin is standing--- scarred, pale, and broken. Just like how he looks like in the hospital bed, just like the memory the composer wants to erase.

But Jeno smiled. "Why didn't you tell me?" The composer breathed heavily, trying to follow after his breathing and wanting to free every ludicrousness inside him.

"You would not believe me."

"At the very least, Jaemin. You should have tried." Both looked exhausted with the lie they started themselves. The brunette looked desperate, searching for a more appropriate excuse he can mutter. "I felt lonely. I saw the world starting without me, I saw people moving on and I'm the only one not moving an inch. And you would not have opened the door if I told you. You would have hated me, Jeno I’m so sorr---"

"Jaemin, I would have not just let the door open, I would have not just talk to you. Nana, I would have let you in!" Jeno raised his voice. The spirit felt smaller, more invisible than his current state. Jaemin was suddenly tearing up. I would have let you in. He never knew such six words can would him just as painful as how the car hit him. "Jeno." He reached out, and the latter saw the obnoxious scars painting his neighbor's beautiful hand. He dared himself not to cry, not to look up. But he can't. In his eyes and mind, is only Lee Jeno. Everything else forgotten. "A lie was needed to protect the truth."

Still, the composer turned around, locked himself in his apartment and the brunette can only just cry. It only took a second before someone interrupted the lonely spirit. "Jaemin." Different from how Jeno’s gentle melody called him, Dongyoung's voice is stern, emotionless but his eyes, they're a little elusive.

"Hyung."

"A lie was needed to protect the truth? Oh, what's the truth then? The fact that you're selfish enough to lure Jeno into of this mess?”

“No. Hyung---“

“How many times do I have to ask you to wait, to not bother anyone and to just hang in there? I'm doing my very best to help you Jaemin. I was always out visiting you, knowing your whereabouts, praying for you to survive! Dreaming that one day, this mess will just be our laughing matter."

"Hyung, that's not it."

"Then, what is all of this about?" Jaemin remained silent, only his sobs and heavy breathing are audible ar the moment. "Jaemin, I told you, I'll make a way to help you. Why can't you wait? I never knew you were this selfish. And why is it that of all the people, you chose Jeno."

Jaemin does not know where he found his voice and courage to answer. "He was the first to open the door." He started off with a whisper but his love gave him a volume to continue. "Jeno, he was the first person to welcome me with a smile.” After all, you will only be aware of how lonely you are, when you are surrounded by your dearest people yet they seem to not mind your presence. Just like that, Jaemin disappeared.

\---


	9. jaehyun's adoration

 

Youth. The well-harmonized time to commit to variations of limitless possibilities, a spur of moment wherein everybody opts to cultivate a pure adoration with means of diverse voices, thoughts and colours, an instant flashing meteor worth visualizing forever even with impending heartaches, wounds and burns. Youth, the most special thing Jaehyun and Taeyong shared together. Jaehyun was 14 when he first met the only person who captured his utterly confused heart, Taeyong. Jaehyun was new, young and inexperienced. Unaccustomed to traditions the young sprout was not shown unto. He came from a faraway land, from a different continent even, thus he was completely clueless with how the world moves in a country he was not raised in.

His mother suddenly told him that he should go to Korea, their forgotten hometown, and live there for as long as they want. Being the young sprout he is, Little Jaehyun immediately agreed. He was then enrolled in an all-boys science high school. He was excited at first, but events turned scratchy and muddy. Things were definitely hard and he even became the constant subject to being the bullied kid. It was tough being frequently laugh at just because his accent is a different from the others. He just shrugged though, not minding the numerous amount of hurtful banters.

But then, Taeyong happened.

Taeyong became his best friend in an instant. Taeyong was studying for an exam when one of Jaehyun’s bully made younger cry. Everyone was laughing and it was so loud that it pissed Taeyong to the brim of his existence. He got up, pulled Jaehyun out of the classroom while muttering thousands of profanities to everyone. After that little breakdown, they became inseparable. Went to the same college. Studied the same course. And even dated each other. Jaehyun was ecstatic when Taeyong said ‘Yes’ when he first brought up the topic. They were the happy couple that most people feel envious with. They were the one you would probably root for.

But then, profession happened.

They both submitted an application in the same hospital. Because of their good grades and outstanding records, they became residents in no time. Jaehyun was luckier, he have the impressive talent, quick-witted ability and notable aptitude. The hospital really took him in and gave him numerous incentives after he became the remarkable senior in the department. He was given difficult tasks and patients, but all went easily well. He is the ace of the field. The great and talented doctor. Jaehyun is celebrated by many; distinguished because of his pure talent and admirable professionalism. While Taeyong was a failure.

Failure is a harsh word Jaehyun would always tell his boyfriend. Taeyong is a wonderful surgeon he just can't seem to complete the puzzle pictures together. Jaehyun will say. But Taeyong's patients would always have their conditions worse or in some unlucky cases, they'll die. Jaehyun will always be there to rescue him and help him with his skills. Taeyong is no damsel. So he said he'll stop seeing Jaehyun if he keeps helping him and making him feel like a lost student. Taeyong understands Jaehyun, but he has his pride.

Jaemin was Taeyong's first successful patient. Whilst Jeno was Jaehyun's first failed patient.

Jeno was given first aid, they were able to remove the tablets in his system. It was a successful emergency operation. 8 long hours of saving Jeno. In a while, the patient’s stats became stable. The doctor, overjoyed with the fact that his boyfriend's long-time patient and his emergency were both successful, celebrated. He was beaming ear-to-ear because finally, Taeyong proved his skills to everyone. He was driving himself to grab a drink from a prestigious bar near the hospital’s parameter. He asked his boyfriend to come, but Taeyong is busy checking Jaemin’s stats. Jaehyun shrugged, proud of how professional his boyfriend is. But before his smile could grow wider and before he was able to step a foot inside the bar to celebrate, he was welcomed by a call from his colleague.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Jeno."

"What’s with my patient?”

"His vitals.” There were no urgency in Johnny’s tone yet Jaehyun is scared of what might come next to his friend’s statement. He hung up the phone and went straight to the hospital. Running with all his might. Hoping for everything to be alright.

Jaehyun shook his head because of the bitter memory. He deeply sighed. Since Jaemin showed up, Jaehyun is being constantly reminded by the ugly yesterdays of his career. For days, Jaehyun contemplated whether to talk about the whole truth about Lee Jeno and his entire being. However, the doctor wavered. It has been a year or two, he can’t seem to remember the time clearly, but it still isn't easy for him so Jaehyun thought how it must have been harder for those who are precious to the jet haired guy.

“Jeno would have love to see him smile.” Jaehyun whispered looking back at the healthy figure of Na Jaemin. Jaehyun actually shared few meaningful conversations with the composer. He even let the doctor listen to one of his songs. “Jeno did great building up the happy walls around him. Nobody noticed the lonely fatigue in him.”

There were times that he entirely blames himself for the death of Lee Jeno. But then he’ll remember Jeno’s last words, his cry of plead.

“Don’t save me, hyung.”

A tear dropped from his eye but he smiled. “Hey, wherever you are now. I hope that you are doing great.” He shouted, the people walking turned to look at him but he just smiled. He needs to let it out. “Jeno! Don’t be sad anymore, okay?”

 

It was raining and he regretted not bringing his umbrella with him. But maybe, not bringing an umbrella isn't the greatest regret he has in his life. Through the years, he made plentiful melancholic decisions based on his unpolished assertiveness and selfish attitude. Rain. How can a raindrop pour gracefully as if it's not bringing any inconvenience to someone? Jaehyun chuckled. He is a raindrop in some ways. Well, how can he still wear his white uniform without feeling guilty with the life he had thrown?

"Here." He looked around and saw the doctor he had been with for almost half of his life. Lee Taeyong. The late bloomer prodigy. "Nah. I can manage. The rain will eventually stop." The same way you suddenly left. Jaehyun almost added.

The other doctor chuckled. "Take it. I always bring a spare one remember?"

How could Jaehyun remember little details when all his mind is bugged with how they suddenly ended? It was an abrupt ending. The day Jeno died. The day Jaemin survived. The finale and downfall for Jeno and Jaehyun is the continuation and start for Jaemin and Taeyong. "If you insist.” He grabbed the umbrella and smiled. “Thanks hyung. I'll bring them to your office tomorrow."

"Sure." Jaehyun was about to turn around and start walking away when he remembered something. "Ah. Jeno, my infamous patient. Do you remember him?"

"Yes."

"I met his friend few a days ago. I'd like to borrow Jeno's medical papers, I heard from a sunbae that they gave you the papers since I was... incapable."

"Oh... Yes, I have them in my office. You can get them tomorrow when you return the umbrella."

"Thank you."

And with that Jaehyun finally left. With shaky hands and a lovely painful memory.

\------


	10. fate's intrusion

"Jaemin Hyung?"

The look on Chenle's young brown orbs mirrors how he was screaming uneasy worries and silent humble profanities towards his dearest hyung. Jaemin quietly hummed, a sign of response to his student without looking up. The teacher is most probably tired, he is unresponsive to anyone these past few days. Ever since the minor horrifying truths and small dark memories are little by little unfolding in front of his powerless eyes, the brunette had been feeling pretty exhausted, drowned with hideous impossible answers. He was defenselessly worked up-- always trying to fit the incomplete puzzle of their story together, but he needs the jet-black haired to tell him some things he can't seem to find an answer on his own. Jaemin thinks that he needs sort this whole thing with Jeno. After all, this entire confusion is actually made by the two of them, one won't be able to finish writing this alone. But that would be beyond possible as of the moment.

"Hyung?" Chenle repeated trying to get the older out of his trance of thoughts, the younger never really knew how the story of the two most important people in his life met. How is it possible for the two to share such an indestructible bond when in fact, technically they are not meant to meet. Jeno with his music. And Jaemin with his apparatuses. He had his own set of questions wishing to be answered, but those queries are not answerable by his teacher alone. So he opt for the simplest yet the most meaningful question he can muster. "Do you love him?"

That abrupt question caused Jaemin to look at the younger with eyes confused with the unfinished memories he have. He showed a worn-out smile and sighed. "I do think so." He tried not to sound too dejected, so he repeated again. This time with more confidence. "I do think that I loved him, I love him and that I’ll always love him. More than I should have. But loving someone without the whole memories, I don't think that's possible."

"Eh? You are confusing me. Is it not a 'yes'?"

"It is. But it is not either. Once I'm done connecting and understanding this whole... thing. Once I'm finish cleaning up the mess I created. I'll probably not just state 'yes' to such question, but rather shout it loud enough for the whole hospital to hear and you have to be there to witness that okay?”  
Chenle sighed. Sometimes Jaemin’s logic complicates everything. "Hyung. You love him.”

“I do.”

“Why is it so hard for you to admit that? Hyung, not having clear memories about a certain someone should not hinder you from loving them. Loving someone should not be hard."

"Perhaps. Loving isn’t that hard. But if not, why is my heart aching this much?” The younger just wavered a smile. “I take it back then. Love is complicated.”

“More than you can think of.” Jaemin smiled as he grabbed the grocery bag from the table. He starts preparing Chenle’s snacks. The younger looked calm for a moment but after a while he nervously fidgeted, anxious to ask his second question. He contemplated whether it'll be rude to ask the brunette, but he decided to go on. After all, no matter what the answer is, Jaemin will probably still be hurt.

"Is it you?" Chenle asked. Guilt and fear evident in his tone.

"Huh?"

"The one who told Jeno hyung to die."

That caught the brunette off-guard. He looked at Chenle’s brown orbs and heaved a rather long sigh. “I have a feeling about it, but my memory is still haggy. So, what I might say may be just an inaccurate guess.”

“Is it you?”

“I think it's not me. Everything just overlapped with the tangled timeline Jeno and I lived in."

Chenle felt relief washing over him in an instant. Don't get him wrong, he loves both of them but he'll probably smack Jaemin if he is really the reason why Jeno took his life. "That’s great. Sorry for doubting you."

"It's okay. Jeno is, in his own ways utterly, confusing. But what will you do if I somehow triggered it?"

"I'll ask Jisung to punch you real hard. I'll feel bad if I do it. But, I don't think it is you either."

"How do you say so?"

"Jeno hyung. He is always sad. He has his own set of problems that he doesn't talk to anyone about with. Even Jisung always tells me how gloomy and down his hyung is, Jisung is always worried about his brother because he knows behind Jeno hyung’s beautiful smile is a distinct painful memories he never share to anyone with. Jeno hyung is elusive with his emotions, he keeps everything on his own. Maybe those unspoken problems are the real reason. Not you."

Jaemin fought his urge to cry because talking about Jeno is just plain sad and painful. He could have saved him. They could have had their happy ending together. "I hope so. Because if it is me, and that my memory is just playing on me, I don't think I'll be able to live knowing what I did to such a dear person."

Chenle pointed at the grocery bag, “Can I have some apples?” The brunette nodded. “Hyung, one last question. Did you already see the content of the flashdrive Dr. Jung gave you?"

"That one?" Jaemin asked as he stood up to prepare Chenle some apples. The brunette shook his head trying his best to put up a calm demeanor. "I haven't. Why are you curious?"

"Why?" The pupil asked as he was munching on the apple chunks Jaemin gives him. "Are you afraid?"

"Yes. In any viewpoint from this whole story. I am afraid." Jaemin dropped the knife and looked at the younger. "Plus, I don't think I'm ready for his last gift when I personally don’t think I deserve it. Plus, isn’t it weird? Giving such a memorable gift to someone you were not physically with.”

“Physicality isn’t an indication of love. You’re weird hyung. But I believe love has the power to make everyone do strange uncanny things.” Chenle laughed. “Tell me more about the Jeno hyung you feel in love with. He was really reserved back then. He was protective with Jisung and he's passionate with what he does. And he is often sad. Those are just the trivial things I know about him."

"I know very little about him. Compared to you. And Jisung. But I saw him the same way he saw me."

\-------

Mark grabbed a handful of music sheets so he can rewrite the schedule and deadlines Taeil had been pestering him about. There is a knock on the studio’s door but the lyricist did not bother looking up, it’s probably just Taeil. The bane of his sanity. Or Haechan, the singer he found a great attraction with, however to his delight the visitor isn’t either of the two.

"Mark hyung."

"Oh Jeno. You're here? It's pretty late." The lyricist looked at his wristwatch and mentally cursed Taeil for overworking him again. It’s nine in the evening and he still can’t go home without finishing the errands Taeil left him "Ah. Yes. I was visiting someone from the hospital. Anyway, do you have any idea who'll record the demo for Haechan's comeback track?"

Mark recalled the conversation he had with the arranger this morning and he frowned. "Probably Taeil hyung, he told me he can't find someone suitable to sing the demo but the deadline is near. Heard it is within this week. He tried asking Dongyoung hyung but Dongyoung hyung declined saying he was busy or something. So yeah, he'll probably do it. Again. Seriously why can’t he let me do it." Actually Mark wanted to sing the demo because Haechan complimented his talking voice and the rising star is curious with the lyricist singing voice. In other words, Mark wants to impress the singer with his voice. He thinks his voice isn’t that great but it is probably… workable? But yeah, Taeil had been reluctant about Mark’s request so Mark is sulking.

"Uhh.." The composer anxiously fiddled with the hem of his polo shirt. "Mark hyung, can I do it?"

Surprised is an understatement. Jeno is someone isn’t confident about his everything. He thinks his voice is so-so, his appearance isn’t that great or his music isn’t pleasing either. Mark almost thought that Jeno drank too much coffee that his brain is just making him utter nonsense, but Jeno showed no signs of kidding. So, the poor lyricist almost accidentally ripped the lyric sheet he is holding. "W..wait what? You’re just kidding, aren’t you?"

Because there is no way Jeno is serious about this. But today might be too full of surprises. "Can I record the demo? I mean, I'm not really a great singer but It would definitely mean a lot if I'll do it."

Mark cleared his throat, probably trying his best not to make Jeno feel offended with how he is acting. "I'll ask Taeil hyu--"

"What should you ask me about?" Both teens turned to look at the owner of the studio. "Oh! Jeno. You're here? Dongyoung told me that you won’t be able to work for a while. Plus, it’s pretty late. You need to rest.”

“Why does he need to rest and I don’t?” Mark whispered before switching to being the dependable co-worker he is. "Hyung. Jeno, here, wants to... uhhh record the demo for the track that we are working on." Mark said, hoping that Taeil won't think that they are just messing around.

Taeil seemed to think for a moment but in a span of short time, he was nodding his head with a smile. "Sure. But in one condition."

"What is it hyung?"

"Let me write your name in the copyright section. You did a wonderful job in this track, the world should know more about you and your music."

Jeno beamed a little too much, it feels really nice getting a compliment from Taeil. And since the owner agreed, that only means one thing, he will get to record a gift for Jaemin. "Deal. Hyung, I don't really sing but... I really want to do this. I'll do my best!"

It had been two long days since Jeno had been practicing and rehearsing his voice. The jet-black haired teen is certainly excited to sing the song he made as a person who isn’t afraid of death anymore. Who isn’t a child when it comes to acceptance. This is it. His song for loving and thanking Jaemin for making him realize things. "Hyung. I'll have a copy okay?" He said for the nth time of the day. Mark rolled his eyes but he seems really happy that Jeno is opening up and smiling more than usual.

"Do you love your singing voice that much?" Mark’s bitter remark made Taeil laugh. Seriously, it is really fun having those two around, bicker about the petty little things. They have the lovely energy of youth vibrating from them.

"Naahh. I'll give it to someone special."

Mark is trying to make a sassy comeback but the oldest thinks that they should get going if they don’t want to overwork their asses off for tonight. "Okay go." Taeil signaled and the melody started. Even though the Mark is jealous with how easy it is for Jeno to convince Taeil to let him sing the demo when Taeil is really particular and meticulous with who can sing the songs they three of them make. When Jeno started singing the first verse. Mark almost laughed and cried at the same time, well you see. Jeno is never the guy assured his musical abilities, he isn’t confident with his voice. Jeno often says that he prefers working behind the microphone. Mark feels a sense of gushy motherly feel with how proud he is with Jeno’s development. The raven haired voice wasn't magical. But it was doing wonders to his emotions. Probably because, this song is Jeno's most emotional track. Probably this is Jeno’s story to tell.

"Haechan would love this." He said once the recording, time setting and polishing is finished. Taeil just nodded while he was taking notes for whatever things. "Ah hyung. I have a question."

"What is it?"

"I’m really curious. Why did you let Jeno do it? You were so against the idea of me singing it.”

"Technically. You can sing better than him."

"See? So why did I not do it? I really want to impress Haechan."

"You want to impress. Jeno wants to give his voice, not to impress but to deliver a performance for someone special. The thing is, his voice has a story. Do you like Haechan's voice?" Taeil’s sudden question made Mark blush a little.

"Of course. He sings the notes perfectly." He remarked remembering the time Haechan sang to him. Oh dear, Mark is blown away. “OH MY GOD. I’m in love.”

Taeil stacked the papers and lightly punched the latter. Mark amazes him, there are times that the younger seems to be really wise and smart, but there are also those moments that he just seems… stupid. "Mark. Are you going to like the sky because it is wide again?”

“Shut up hyung, I’m fanboying over Haechan. But seriously why did you ask?”  
“The catch is, you won't be able to find the right music and the great melody just because you have a great technique and a really nice pitch. Lee Minhyung, in order to sympathize with how beautiful and tender a song is, you should take into consideration the story behind the singer’s voice."

"Wow. That’s deep.”

“Shut up.”

“How about you? Did you accept Jeno’s offer because you know the story behind his voice and it stirred your emotions?”

Taeil wondered if Mark will ever know. How immensely shattered and broken the precious composer is. That his story doesn’t need to be broadcasted for you to know how painful it is. Taeil feels bitter and icky, not being able to protect the youngest. He certainly hopes Jeno will be able to keep the façade longer. Until Dongyoung looked for a solution. "I don't.” He smiled as he removed the flash drive from the computer. “Stop ogling about Jeno’s voice. Give him these.” He handed Mark the black flash drive which contained Jeno’s demo version.

Mark stood up and grabbed his wallet, ready to leave the studio when Taeil called him.“Jeno did well. Tell him he did great.”

According to Taeil, inside the flash drive is a sad story.  
According to Mark, inside the flash drive is a lovely melody.

But for Jeno, inside the flash drive is his happy memories.


	11. dongyoung's confrontation

Taeil was abruptly woken up by the familiar sound of his ringtone. Despite ‘timeless’ being his favorite song, he can't help but feel seriously irritated because who was the Satan trying to wake him up at this ungodly hour. He was deadbeat and tired from yesterday's series of unfortunate events: Mark was MIA the whole day probably sneaking out with the country’s beloved singer Haechan, and then Jungwoo, his studio’s newest composer, isn't really doing an impressive job. Constantly mixing up a few unrelated notes from here to there, Jungwoo isn't untalented. He is actually gifted but he really unconsciously blends dissimilar things up, inevitably tarnishing the bridge, chorus, and verses. Just unavoidably ruining the song all together. He just needs more training. Taeil wished. He does not have the heart to fire the new composer though.

Yet, to say that he was anxious with his studio's future is an understatement. He is wholly devastated, completely stressed and outright worried. Always praying to whoever is listening that the studio can still last for a few more months. As his thoughts drift towards his studio, Taeil began reminiscing the former blissful days. He misses Jeno. A lot. Jeno with his sad smile and beautiful melodies. Not just because of his talents, his contributions and his responsibilities. He misses his dearest composer because he is the only one willing to go far for music. Willing to be lost in the timeless ticking bomb of time. Not minding and even sacrificing things just for the sake of producing a prodigious music. And he does not sneak out with singers like Mark does.

The arranger got up, probably aware that if he doesn't answer his phone in the next few seconds, the ringing will stop. And he can't let this upcoming call be a waste. He was woken up at this unearthly hour, might as well pick up the phone.

"Hello?" He asked in a groggy dazed voice. Probably too worn-out to greet a good morning. Because it's not a good morning when it is four in the morning and the tired arranger spent his entire night remembering the chaotic turn of events of his problematic melancholic life.

There was a silence. A rather long, palpable and sad one. Taeil almost hang up, thinking that some merciless prankster might just have lost its heart and decided to toy with people. But before his finger reached the red button and before he was able to remove his ear from his hand phone. He heard a conversant voice of someone he hasn't spoken to since a long time ago. Dongyoung. It’s been long one year.

"It's me." The younger’s melodious voice is the same as what Taeil pleasantly remembered. There is the profound hint of indulgence, charm yet terrified demeanor. Just like the younger itself. Softly beautiful but immensely afraid.

"Dongyoung. How have you been?"

The musician tried not to sound too awkward, they were really close colleagues, Dongyoung was even his best friend. But what happened with Jeno really cracked their former close bond and paved an obnoxious uncomfortable relation. Plus, ever since Jeno died. Dongyoung got back to being the unsocial butterfly he was. Not leaving his apartment. Even once. There were even baseless rumors and groundless stories about him going to an unreachable rural place to wind up because, people almost blamed him for what happened. Taeil is not aware whether his best friend went somewhere far or that he just stayed in his lonesome eleventh floor apartment. There was actually a time frame where Taeil does not know if his bestfriend is still even breathing, he tried contacting the younger and visiting him but Dongyoung's talent probably includes closing the whole world.

“Dongyoung? How are you?” He asked again.

Unfortunately, there was this deafening silence again. However, more palpable, broken and sadder than earlier. Taeil recognized the distressing mute uproar in the background. The younger must be anxiously terrified. Dongyoung is never silent. That is a fact. He is someone who talks a lot and never really shut his mouth because for the orange haired, silence is much more earsplitting than loud noises. He loathes silence. It makes him weak. Yet, Taeil is sure that this silence Dongyoung was giving him is not just making the younger weak, but also prone and utterly open.

The moonbeams last night was beautiful, despite the chaos he had experienced. Maybe it is the same with Dongyoung’s sudden news. "Taeil hyung. Jaemin is back."

That's it. Taeil lost his mind after hearing the news he never prepared himself to. He felt like a bomb was suddenly thrown at his defenseless state, making him extremely powerless and awfully injured. "Jaemin? As in--"

Dongyoung cut him off. "Yes. The kid involved in an accident with you."

The thing is the reason Dongyoung always get out of his apartment despite having that 'i only get out of my apartment twice a month' belief in his life before is because of a car accident. Since Taeil is his bestfriend and Jaemin is his dearest younger friend, he tried to resolve the issue without hurting both the parties involved. Taeil was actually the one who ran over Jaemin. It was really an accident though, everyone is aware of that fact. Even the prosecutors and the police thinks too. The arranger’s break did not function well so when he saw a thin yet lean figure suddenly ran towards the pedestrian lane, he pushed a huge force to stop his car but the brunette was still hit. Badly to be honest. Taeil tried his best to help his victim and did numerous things to solve the aftermath of the accident. He paid the bills and medications with his savings.

Eventually, the two parties settled it with the help of Doyoung's suggestions. Taeil was thankful of his best friend the most. But that does not hinder the fact that he does not drive anymore, the accident took a really huge toll on him. Needless to say he was tremendously afraid to destroy someone's future because of an accident. It was traumatizing. The way Jaemin’s lifeless state was covered with pouring red blood, horrid cuts and horrible bruises. Taeil was sure that if Jaemin did not survive he might have probably lost his sanity by now. Jaemin is a precious acquaintance to him. He tutored the younger for three months about music but that is another story to tell. Nevertheless, Taeil still feel guilty up to this day. He was actually the one who paid for Jaemin’s whereabouts even after the younger’s injury were healed. Taeil got up, grabbed himself a water. He felt his throat itchy just by the mention of what happened. Sleep and everything leaving him at all once.

"Dongyoung."

"Uhm?"

"Can I see him?"

"I'm planning to meet him actually. Sort things out and tell him some things. So, when are you free? I think we should meet first before we decide to meet Jaemin."

"I'm not really busy these days. I'll just ask Mark or Jungwoo to watch over the studio. No new projects since Haechan's recent comeback."

"That's great. Can we meet later?"

"Yes. Sure. Dongyoung-ah?"

Dongyoung sweetly hummed, despite the cracking horrible yesterdays. Taeil picked up the sad note his friend have but he smiled. At the very least, Dongyoung is still alive and surviving. The younger is indeed strong.

"I'm glad you're fine. What happened with Jeno broke you. It's good that you're finally going back." He said.

"Thank you. About Jeno. Hyung, I found something about his death."

"What is it?"

"Can we talk about him later? I'll text you the place. I'll hung up. Bye hyung." There was no urgency, Taeil even remembered that he was actually the one who hung up first. As if the younger is too afraid to leave the other. Even though they were given little goodbyes before the composer passed, it was still sudden. And the suddenness of what happened is heart breaking. They were not prepared. And they might never be afraid.

 

\----

It was raining when Taeil got into the coffee shop he used to frequent before. Their meeting place. His bestfriend used to go here and buy cream puffs he really love. No wonder Dongyoung asked to meet him here. Taeil really missed the latter. A lot actually. Dongyoung is someone he can talk with without being afraid of judgment and ugly comebacks. Dongyoung is sassy but he knows when to use his humor and his comforting words. Too bad, Jeno wasn't able to find the enough comfort he needs from the orange haired.

Dongyoung was nervously fidgeting the table napkin in front of him and constantly tapping the cup of his iced cafe latté with his index finger. It has been months, more or less than a year even. His natural brown hair is now back, the orange hair no longer present.

"Hey." Upon hearing the melodious voice of his friend, Dongyoung looked up and there he saw it. The afraid and weak yet strong euphonious state of Taeil. His forever companion that is willing to be with him at all cost. Yet even so, Dongyoung can't muster a smile to the elder’s direction. Probably too moved to his overflowing emotions.

"Hyung." The now brown haired Dongyoung greeted as he slowly stood up. Knees are weak and wobble. Still afraid to face the real world, even if it meant having Taeil meet him like this again. Still he tried his best. Because that's what one does after being separated to reality right? Opening up and welcoming the things with a shaky hand, an unwelcomed frightened eyes and a memory waiting to be shared. Together.

"I already ordered. I ordered an Americano for you. Is that okay?"

"That's more than okay."

They were talking about the trivial details of their life. Catching up with each other and Dongyoung was even casually listening to Taeil's complaint about Mark and his new recruit whose name is Jungwoo. "Jungwoo is really weird. He has the softest voice I promise. I think, somehow that's the reason why he mixes up few notes. He speaks and listens to things that is really... indulging? But he's great. I think he's doing pretty great."

"I hope Jeno's doing great too." Dongyoung suddenly blurted out. Of course, his best friend treasured the raven haired composer immensely. Dongyoung treasured Jeno as if the younger is from his blood line, they have a tight bond as well. So there is no wonder how powerlessly broken Dongyoung is about what happened.

"Oh."

Suddenly Dongyoung got all serious. Stopped himself from playing with the tissue papers in the tray beside his now cold hot coffee. "About him. Taeil hyung, I found something about Jeno's death. I found out the truth about Jeno's suicide."

"What is it about?"

_"It's not suicide hyung. Jeno did not die from suicide."_

\---

Jaemin woke up in an exhausting manner. But that isn't something new, he had been waking up as if he was hit by a ten wheeler truck everyday. Anxious about what will happen. The brunette got up, looked at the calendar near him. Today is the day that of Chenle's third or fourth treatment. He is not even sure. He probably lost count. He can't even properly remember the treatments and medicine his younger friend is having. His visions are coming at him every single moment possible. In a span of a week, the brunette had five visions. He thinks that it may have been because he is in a hospital and there is a huge possibility of dying inside such an institution. One about the pretty noona who has cancer in the ward near Chenle's room, one about the grandmother in the third floor of the building, and the remaining three visions are about the kid smiling healingly infront of him.

Chenle is getting better but the brunette’s visions tell him otherwise. It was still ticking. Shorter than the last time. Jaemin screamed profanities when visions took him yesterday. It was about his favorite kid again. Jaemin almost lost all his sanity and his shit together when he saw that the time given is shorter now. Dr. Jung gave him candies to chill and Jaemin almost laughed at that. Candies can't fucking help him when Chenle is still dying. Dr. Jung however still proceeded to calm the younger, talked about how Jeno visited him in a daily frequent visits and how Jeno always play guitar while Jaemin was sleeping. Dr. Jung told him the flowers the raven haired composer always gave him before. White rose. Because according to the composer, Jaemin is as pure as it is. Their talk ended with Dr. Jung promising Jaemin that he will save Chenle no matter what.

"Hyung?" The brunette looked up. His eyes are red from crying too much because he still can't believe there is a possibility of all his efforts being in vain. Dr. Jung is a sweet hyung. Yesterday, he countlessly swore to his whole soul that he will not let Chenle die. And asked the brunette to believe in him just a little longer. Because it may be like his story, waking up and being a miracle. Jaehyun promised the brunette that he will make a beautiful successful miracle this time. That him and Jaemin will play triumph against the callouses of their hands this time.

Jaemin can’t go back to his grandmother and Jisung with a failed mission and a dead Chenle. He really needs to save his younger friend but he thinks fate is being momentously cruel again. But he will believe Dr. Jung's words. Chenle will live because Chenle does not deserve to die. He deserves to live. The world needs to witness his smile longer.

"Hyung?" Chenle called out again. Jaemin looked up again. "Sorry. I spaced out."

"It's okay. Anyway, remember Renjun? The guy I was talking about?"

"Your crush?"

Chenle blushed and laughed awkwardly. "Yes." The brunette saw how the younger's cheeks is filled with pink. He wondered if he was like that with Jeno before too. Maybe. Just the thought about Jeno makes his stomach giddy. "He'll get discharged today. Told me that he'll be back in a few weeks. He is leaving his ward later at noon. We still have time before my treatment. You want to meet him?"

"Sure. Right now?"

Chenle blushed again. A foreign sight the teacher will not get tired of seeing. He witnessed a happy Chenle before. But it's his first time seeing the younger this happy. "I wish Jisung will meet Renjun someday."

"After your treatment and if things with Renjun became easy let's ask him if he wants to visit our town? I'm sure your little soul mate will be glad to see you stutter like a mess."

"Shut up and yes we should!" Chenle's enthusiasm is clearly everywhere. Jaemin felt bad planting dry false hopes on Chenle when in fact there is a possibility of Chenle not being able going back to their hometown again. He sighed and faked a smile. "So where is this lovely little lover of yours?"

"Shut up hyung. Don't embarrass me okay?"

Renjun is really nice. He seems to be really overjoyed with meeting Jaemin and he kept telling the brunette how Chenle and him became close. He is easy to talk to. Maybe because of the fact that words are easy for the young author. But Jaemin also feel glad being able to talk to the person that makes Chenle want to live through greater things and exist longer.

It was early in the morning. The young author said. Sunrise and stuff. Renjun said Chenle is really romantic. Too romantic for his age even. And it lead to Chenle muttering how their age gap isn't that huge. Jaemin laughed at that remark. It is transparent. How the two is innocently in love with each other despite being together for only two months. Chenle is obviously really happy to be with Renjun. Jaemin is not sure though, if they are dating or they're just openly flirting and letting the other know about the feelings lingering around the two of them. But the brunette hopelessly prays that this kind of love will have a decent lovely ending. He had listened to too much heartbreak already. His and Jeno's. Dr. Jung's and Dr. Lee's. He seriously hopes that, maybe, fate will not be as harsh this time and provide this two sunshines not an agonizing story but a great plot with a happy ending.

"Chenle-yah."

The youngest looked at the author. Suddenly the atmosphere became serious. "I'll be gone for a while okay? But don't worry I'll visit you as much as I can. You know how much Kun-ge loves me. He'll probably cancel all my schedule so I can spend my time with you. Stay healthy."

"Yes don't worry. You told me you want to marry me. But I'm sorry, I'm too young for that."

"Shut up. When did I say I want to marry you? I have a lot of fans. Some are even pretty."

"Not as pretty as me. Plus, you implied it though." Chenle cleared his throat and started lowering his pitch. "Ehem... Chenle, in the future I would love to hold your hand like this. Under our home with the skies filled with stars. And tell you words---"

"Oh my god. Stop!" Despite Renjun's petite frame, he managed to stop Chenle from spilling his... overly sweet confession plus its embarrassing hearing those same exact words he said. "I did not say those words for you to make fun of them. Plus, how come you remembered them exactly as I said them?"

"What. They're cute. Plus, I have the brain of a genius. Oh, by the way did you know that Kun-ge is really handsome. The pretty noona near my ward has a crush on him. I wonder how are you his brother? He is probably blessed with your family's good genes."

"You're lucky I really really like you. I'd probably ask one of my body guards to beat you for slandering and toying with me every single morning. You even dare to bash me with my looks. Excuse you, little kid. I was asked by a modelling company."

Jaemin watched as the two bickered. It would be a waste. Not being able to continue the two's special momentum of understanding love and being in love. They look really happy. Jaemin can't stop loathing fate for being merciless to the two wonderful persons in front of him. They deserve a happy ending. They deserve so much more than the remaining two months. Heck, they deserve forever.

"Jaemin. Say, who looks better? Chenle or me? I'm older than you. Spill the truth."

"Ehhh. Don't ask him. He's too whipped for someone else. He can't appreciate other powerful awesome genes except a certain raven haired."

"Hey, I have raven black haired." Renjun stated. Chenle laughed comically at that statement. The youngest lightly pinched his boyfriend's arm.

"Shut up."

The two continued joking. Yes, Renjun knows. Chenle really can't stop his mouth from spilling things plus, he told Jaemin that the young author is a good person. He is comfortable to be with and he trust him with all his will. Plus the fact that Renjun is a well-known writer. He should be able to give clues and enlightenment to the brunette. Jaemin can't find the connections at first but when Renjun gave him possible reasons from a fictional point of view. He thought that well, maybe Chenle is right.

 

"When was the last time Jeno visited you?" Renjun suddenly asked, after Chenle successfully stopped him from calling the modelling agency he one was asked to join. The young author is really embarrassed because Chenle almost called his editor accidentally.

"Two months ago? Before we came to Seoul. He hadn't showed up since then."

The young author looked like he was thinking about something for a while then he smiled. Renjun really have a beautiful smile. "Maybe he wanted to meet you. But he can't grow enough courage to do so. He may think, you'll hate him. He once told you that he's grateful for not remembering him right?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Jeno is really confusing."

"I don't think he's confusing. Being annoyingly confusing is getting you frustrated to the point of feeling vindictive with the people involved and making you feel agitated because answers are nowhere possible. I think he is just puzzling. He is afraid to be completed because the whole process might take a long time and the overall picture might not be so beautiful."

"Wow. You really are a writer." Chenle remarked with great adoration which caused a laughter from the brunette and the young author.

"Beautifully puzzling." Jaemin repeated. Thinking about how those two words fit perfectly to describe his first love. The beautiful Lee Jeno and his puzzled ways of wanting to be remembered and forgotten.

Lee Jeno is his beautiful puzzle.

 


	12. renjun's decision

It was a rather long night. The moon was beaming vividly and the stars were shining brightly as usual-- giving the night its well-deserved luminosity but unfortunately, the little radiant glow from the said sphere isn’t providing enough light to Dongyoung’s messy and dark life.

Dongyoung sighed as he glanced around his apartment before standing up and making his way towards his bedroom. His stride was careful and anxious, such steps made him replay all the things that dismantled his sanity. He felt that his troubles are now making him utterly uneasy. Dongyoung slowly looked up and saw his lonesome reflection from the enormous mirror he purchased a few months ago. His eyes lost its glow since he can remember. His hair became obnoxiously tangled in whatever cluttered direction. Maybe Jeno was this sad too, or maybe the composer was even sadder. He never knows. But, Dongyoung hopes the younger isn't this sad. This kind of emotion is just too much. Jeno doesn't deserve to feel this.

Grabbing his laptop and the parcel he placed beside his bedside table, he began scanning and searching the words he finds difficult to understand from the mysterious medical papers he received just a few days ago.

The thing is, Jeno did try to kill himself. But it was not the fourteen tablets of sleeping pills that killed him. It was a malpractice from the doctor assigned to him. Dr. Jung Jaehyun, the prodigy of the medical field. He isn’t sure how it happened or what really happened during that day but according to the papers in front of him, it really wasn’t suicide.

Dongyoung was going out to get himself a coffee and bring his laundry to the dry cleaning service because it had been almost two weeks and his pile of dirty clothes are stacking in his apartment when something caught his eyes. It was a parcel. Addressed to him. The parcel is a huge mystery for him. Dongyoung was greatly surprised that someone delivered something for him after isolating himself for almost one and a half year already. He hoped it wasn’t from Taeil, because if it is from Taeil he would definitely run to his best friend’s studio because well, he misses the arranger. It was hard not talking to him and closing all the ugly real world but well, he isn’t ready to face reality yet. His heart is still hurting, throbbing with tremendous pain of losing a precious dongsaeng. Dongyoung shrugged at such mournful thought and tried recalling if he did some online shopping but he remembered that the grocery he ordered already arrived a few days ago. So he wondered who sent him this package all of a sudden. He studied the box in front of his apartment and to his astonishment, it wasn’t from his usual online shopping site nor Taeil.

It was from someone named Jung Yoonoh, the name is familiar. Really familiar but Dongyoung can’t remember ever hearing or talking to someone with that name. It must have been a mistake, but analyzing the details from the box writing and stuff, the parcel really was for him.

Forgetting to do his laundry, he was greeted by rather thick bounded reports. It was medical papers for a patient named Lee Jeno. His dongsaeng. He wasn’t into medical and hospital terms but he was able to understand what the paper was making him realize.

Successful emergency surgery. Vitals being stable. Waking up for a brief moment. Machine being cut off. Oxygen tank and IV dripping off. It was obviously NOT a suicide. Jeno, despite what they know, did not die from suicide. He glanced one last time before calling Taeil, he would probably break the hell out of his mind if he won't tell this to his best friend.

If it wasn't suicide, why did the hospital announced that it is?

\---

“Renjun-sshi! Can you still do it? Kun-ge told me you were sick for a whole week and you need to rest before 5 pm. But this looks like it’ll not end in an hour. Look, a noona just joined the long queue. The line is really never-ending for a favourable and wise author like you."

"Thanks for the compliment. But I'm really exhausted right now and I'm not in the mood. Sorry, hyung."

"It's fine. You’ve been signing since before lunch. Do you want me to tell the escorts to tell the others to go home?”

The young author tried his best to smile, he was really tired from today’s activities and he thought that he may not have to lie to be admitted to the hospital at this rate. Seriously he forgot to prepare himself for the worst. He thought that the line would be long but not this long. The queue even almost reached a thousand even before the event started. There were tons of his avid readers lining up to make sure the young author will sign their newly purchased books.

“It’s okay. Just tell Kun-ge to not accept activities for a while." Renjun smiled as he grabbed himself a bottled water. "I think I need a break for a while."

“Noted.” After talking with his personal assistant and replenishing himself with the cold water, Renjun stood up and started signing papers again. He never really thought that he’ll get this tired from doing this because this was his dream. This is what he enjoys doing. Writing and making his stories be read by many. This was what could have been his father's goal for him. But right now, the young author just wish he can go back to the hospital.

At least there he won’t be forced to face everyone else. There won’t be eyes looking at him as if he deserves the world when in fact, the young author knows he doesn’t deserve even a tiny bit. He isn’t perfect but in the hospital, he learns how to accept his imperfections and not blame himself for everything. At least in that huge white institution, there’s Chenle, Kun-ge and his new found friend Jaemin. As his thought diverted towards the brunette he can’t help but feel an immense emotion prickling his heart, Jaemin and Jeno weren’t just intriguing his curiosity, they were delivering him pain too.

When Chenle told him about this, he almost joked and laughed but Chenle was so serious that it made him believe the insane story of how a confused spirit met a lonely composer and how they met again under the title cursed miracle and a suicide victim ghost. It was really sad. How they could have had the best story and moments to share together but were left to be just melancholic in their own separate ways. Renjun shrugged and thought you don’t need to be Jeno and Jaemin to feel their pain and be melancholic with their ‘almosts’.

Perhaps, Renjun is busy contemplating how hard it must be to bid a formal adieu to someone you greeted with such an enthusiastic hello but as he was writing his name on the title page of his recently published book, he thought that it must have been harder leaving out the possibility of that grandiose unknown love story we are yet to meet.

That grandiose love story of Jeno and Jaemin. It would have been sweet. Sweeter than fiction. It would have clicked the hearts of many, it would have been lovely. The pair could have been really happy.

After the whole tiresome event, Renjun stretched his hand and beamed in spite of the dried sweat, run out inked, and tired hands, at least he was able to think of such plot. He just needs an approval from his publisher and Jaemin.

“Can you call Kun-ge? I have a new story in my head right now.”

\---

Meeting up with Jaemin isn't hard. Well, Renjun got back in the hospital in no time. With Kun’s help of course. Chenle almost joked that he hoped Renjun stayed out long enough for the younger to miss him. But Renjun just laughed at that, because he was really happy to hear Chenle's voice after quite a while, the younger just brings him peace and the younger's presence is enough to soothe his tired hands, exhausted mind and wordless mouth. Maybe it really is Chenle’s power, providing soothing smiles so people can find peace in his presence.

They were in the hallway. Waiting for Chenle as he was being examined in some room, Renjun does not know what kind of test they need to run. Dr. Jung told them to wait outside since it will just be really quick. But it's been almost an hour so Renjun decided to drop the bomb to the brunette. After all, it will be hard to talk about this in front of Chenle. That kid will seriously continue dropping unnecessary comebacks and Renjun will be distracted and so on.

Jaemin nervously fidgeted. Well, he wasn't really sure about how Jeno would feel about this, but he is fine with Renjun's suggestion.

“So, what you’re telling me right now is… you want to write about me and Jeno?”

“Yes.” The young writer nodded, he hopes that Jaemin won’t think he is mocking them and he is just using their pain to gain money or so. It’s just that, this kind of story needs to be shared to other people. Because this kind of pain will make people realize things the same way it is making the young author comprehend his own pain and how it made him braver.

Jaemin smile falters and creased his forehead as he remembered that he read one of his friend's books. “I thought you only write dystopian novels?”

“Yeah but well, I really want to write about you. The two of you---“

"It's okay. Sure. It's not like you're bad. Do you need me to tell you more about Jeno and me?"

Renjun shook his head as his smile grew wider. "Chenle already told me a lot. But if I need more bridges for the plot and the story's timeline, I can always ask him right?"

"Yes. I'm sure he'll be delighted talking about love and everything in general with you."

"He's really sweet and really beautiful. I'm lucky I met him."

"That's a little bit not too poetic for a writer eh?" Jaemin commented the brunette knows how great of a writer and how talented Renjun is. He has his way with words but those words are too repetitive but he knows it does not lessen the fact that Chenle is really a beautiful being.

The young author shrugged. "He doesn't need pretty words, he is beautiful enough."

"That's too cheesy."

"You asked for it. Ugh, I don’t think I fit this sweet words and whipped state, I’m literally crossing my fingers and cringing right now.” Jaemin laughed at that, he knows how much Renjun and Chenle cherish each other even though most of their encounters are just the two of them bickering until the younger laughed his hearts out. It’s cute. This kind of love story. Deep down Jaemin shrugged the tinge of jealousy he is feeling, it would have been great if Jeno and he experienced this kind of love too. Upon seeing the discomfort and vague emotions from the brunette, Renjun cleared his throat. “But do you have any request or so for the story?"

"I have a favour."

Renjun tilted his head and he pictured the same sad look on Jaemin's face with his whenever he remembers the sudden death of his father and the downfall of his family. It's too much but all he can do is continue living without the home he is supposed to nurture with.

"What is it?"

"Give us a happy ending. We deserve it." Jaemin uttered, hopeful that Jeno is hearing him right now. We deserve a happy ending, he repeated in his mind. Yes. Maybe in another universe, in an alternate reality or maybe in their next life. Jaemin eyes glistened with tears as the memories started flashing again. The coffee. The music sheets. The piano. The melodies. He never knew they would play a big part and take him into a riddle of unknown emotions but look at him now, reminiscing the tangled memories his selfish self-made.

Jaemin’s words were not similar to the words Kun told him when their father died, but the delivery and feelings are the same. Fragile but determined. They should continue, maybe that's how Renjun began loving writing too much. Because writing brought him something reality can't give him. Happy family with complete foundation. Maybe writing can give him the happy ending he hopes. Happy ending. Maybe Jaemin will love writing too, since he is like Renjun. Reality did not give them the happy ending they deserve.

"I don't know how to do that though. A happy ending might have been a bit difficult considering the circumstances right now but I promise, I'd try my best to give you the ending the two of you deserve." He replied. Happy ending is hard because you can never really give out a proper definition of such without people arguing that some scenarios could fit better. Happy ending is tangled. Happy ending is messy. Happy ending is ambiguous. But Renjun knows, despite the vagueness, a happy ending is just giving people the right amount of happiness and learning. Even if you are hurt, even if you think you deserve better. Happy ending will always be just giving the right balance of emotion. “Why don’t you tell me how you want your story to end?”

The suggestion caught Jaemin off guard, but he shook his head. “I don’t think I should be the one deciding how it will end. If Jeno shows up, I’ll ask him. He deserves it more than me.”

Renjun nodded.

"Thank you." Jaemin said, voice full of appreciation. Perhaps, Renjun should thank the latter not the other way around. Because what Jaemin and Jeno gave him isn't just a shift from his usual storyline, what they gave him is the missing emotion he lacks, what they gave him is the missing thankfulness and gratitude in him that died along when his father died. What Jeno and Jaemin gave him is Chenle and emotion and responsibility and love. What they gave him is more than what his literature professor can give him. Pieces of advice and technicalities are nice but this, sharing and opening is better. It made him think that this can heal two parties and it gives him a more in-depth connection to the world that can touch one's soul.

"Will you be able to finish that within two months?" He looked at Jaemin about the sudden question. Two months is too short, he wanted to say but there is something about Jaemin's tone that pressures him to finish it within the short period of time. There is a hidden urgency in the brunette’s voice.

"Why?" Renjun asked instead.

"Chenle."

Chenle. Of course. The young author almost laughed as he remembered one of the first words Chenle had asked him before. ‘Are you dying?’ As he looked back to that memory. Renjun really looked like he was dying; depressed and admiring the sunrise as if he won't be able to see the same scenario the next day.

"Is he not getting better?” He asked while praying to see more sunrise with Chenle.

“Dr. Jung is doing his best. But, I’m really afraid.” The dejected tone made Renjun feel gloomy about how his newfound sunrise is becoming a just a tiny speck of dust in a starry night. Two months. It’s too short. “Listen, I think he’s fighting really well for all the people he loves. For Jisung, for me, for his friends and for you. He is trying his best to beat the upcoming dread because he wants to talk about you and be with you.”

“I feel the same.”

“Chenle is ecstatic talking about you as if you bring unicorns to his hell life. As if you're a miracle given to him. I think he can make it through but we need to be sure. Make him promise to read that book you’re working on, he never breaks his promise. We need that kind of affirmation."

“I hope I can be a miracle to him too. But Jaemin, don’t worry. You know what they say? Fall in love with a writer and you’ll live a thousand years."

"What do you mean?"

"Some poetic shit writers say to boost their confidence. But don't worry, I’ll make sure he’ll fight well.” Renjun saw the door being opened in his peripheral vision so he decided to go back to being sassy and overconfident teen so Chenle and he can laugh more instead of being depressed with this. He knows Chenle will prefer it this way. Lighter. No angst. Because the younger is one hell of a positive person, he wants nothing but to give smile to this world. “I know he'll do well. You only get a once in a lifetime opportunity to fall in love with the one and only Huang Renjun. Chenle will not let go of the chance.”

"Douché." The two boys turned to look at Chenle and Dr. Jung coming out from the room. Chenle’s eyes are glowing, his healing smile is present again. This as well deserves a happy ending.

 

\----

It was Dongyoung who saw Jeno first. Which isn’t a surprise considering how much the latter trust his Hyung. Jeno was trembling with fear, afraid and clueless with how he’ll approach Dongyoung without scaring the hell out of the older. He is clueless but he knows that he should clean this whole confusion the soonest.

The night was sad. The perfect embodiment of how Jeno's eyes looked like before. But the buzz outside his apartment was loud, happy and playful. Like his eyes when he met Jaemin. Na Jaemin who brought words and emotions to his songs. Na Jaemin who acted like a kaleidoscope that made him believe that love can happen in many ways and made him see that in the same sense, love is every colour.

"Jeno." The black haired ghost was distracted from his train of thoughts. It was really quiet, you can actually hear how uneasy Dongyoung was breathing. The air was chilly and fragile but how they stand and face each other provided enough warm for their icy cold stares and emotions.

"Hyung." The older almost broke down to tears when he heard those words again. He saw how Jeno smiled again despite being almost invisible and thin like the air, it was the same smile he used to show when he was still alive. "You're back."


	13. jeno's addiction

When Jeno was younger, the composer used to stick around his mother every single moment possible. He was attached to his mother like how a magnet is attached to an iron steel-- closed, devoted, and held tight; the same way Jisung is attached to him. Glued to each other like a chewing gum. The three of them will always be seen hand-in-hand, no matter what circumstance. The raven haired boy holding his mother’s soft hands using his left calloused ones and Jisung’s huge hands holding Jeno's free arm like a koala. They are the typical rural household that made the people around them feel endearing and adorable butterflies fly in their stomach because of how evidently loving, heartfelt and chummy the three bond’s is.

There were moments where Jeno never came to his classes just so he can always accompany his younger brother and his mother whenever the head of the household, the father of the family, will leave for his political meetings. Which is almost every single day. Maybe that is one of the reason why the three grew distant from the head of the family but that is a tale reserved for another story. Jeno can never blame his father though, he knows his father only wants the best for the family.

His concerned mom asked him about his report card’s attendance, afraid that Jeno is neglecting studies and throwing his future just so the composer can be with them. Little Jeno just sweetly told his mother the words that made her smile with how cute her son is and coo with how proud he is that Jeno is growing with a dream inside him.

"Mom. Words from school bore me. I think music at home is better. At least no one will ask me to keep it down when I’m tuning my guitar."

In that particular present moment, the raven haired boy saw in his mother's eyes glistened with delighted blissful tears, and that even though his failing grades are frowned upon by his father and the neighbors he does not even care for. Her mother is proud that at such young age, Jeno already developed a dream that he would nurture forever. Jeno found his happiness with music and his mother can’t be more delighted. So he promised her that he will be a musician and that he'll write songs for her. But his mother amiably shook her head and softly told him the words he will always remember.

"Write about yourself. In that way, you will make a great song."

“Wouldn’t that make me selfish?”

“Sometimes, it is okay to think about yourself first.”

Little Jeno grabbed the guitar and played the very first song he learned how to play for his mom. “This is my favorite song.” He informed his mother.

“Mine would be the very first song you’ll write.”

\--

"You're _back_."

Technically, he isn’t back. He can never actually go back. But for the sake of this confrontation and to complete and give out intricate not vague answers to the queries about him. Jeno nodded as he tried to reach out for Dongyoung. Sending the older his representative smile. Different from his inner dilemma, his smile is projecting a positive jutting attitude. Warm. Sweet. _Beautiful_.

It was nice seeing his beloved Hyung after all this time. Dongyoung looked thinner, more stressed and more fragile than Jeno can remember. He almost lost all of his youth _s._ But this is still the Kim Dongyoung he trusts and always will for that matter.

“Yes. Hyung, I am _back_.”

"I missed you so much." Dongyoung took no extra second to waste to utter those words because he thinks that Jeno deserves to hear those. That someone is missing his presence in this cruel world. The raven haired should know the fact that someone is still utterly emotional and broken with his passing. Dongyoung eyes are open. Figuratively and literally. They hold a sea of meanings and mountain of feelings that Jeno can always be the first to decipher. In this precise second, the younger saw how Dongyoung’s eyes flash a series of longingness, blissfulness and weariness all together.

All aforementioned emotions messily painted in his hyung's doe eyes.

"I missed you too." And Jeno came closer to hug latter, despite Dongyoung almost not being able to feel the embrace, considering Jeno’s current state. Almost _invisible_. Dongyoung just clouded his mind and imagined the hug as the ones they used to share whenever Jeno feels like breaking down back when he was still alive. Like the embrace whenever the composer feels that the whole harsh world is against him.

Earnest and comforting.

“Hyung?”

Dongyoung hummed as a response. Not trusting his mouth’s ability to utter even a single comprehensive word. This whole heartfelt meeting is making him feel depths of grieving for something that he can never be able to have again. The tight embrace of a younger brother he cherishes deeply.

"Hyung. I want to thank you for everything. For being the big brother I never had. For being my greatest companion. For always being there for me. For supporting me with all my decisions. And for not questioning those decisions as well. Hyung." The younger tried wiping the tears that are falling from Dongyoung's eyes, still holding him dear to his heart. But the ghost’s hand just passed through.

"Thank you." The black haired repeated nonetheless. Still not giving up from wiping the tears from the latter’s tears.

Dongyoung cried harder at that. Tears flooding his face in an instant. He had tried making sentences and replies in his mind that could probably make sense but all his brain can think of is how he wishes that this could happen longer. That this moment will just take forever.

"It's not going to be easy. Heck, nothing seems easy in this cruel world _we_ , I mean you, are living in. But hyung, I want you to move on." Jeno continued hoping that Dongyoung will be able to go through this mess. Wishing that Dongyoung is stronger than Jeno could have ever been. The raven haired hopes that the older would be able to be aware of the fact that there are other options sprawled openly in this world than just standing awkwardly, hoping for a miracle and living a monotonous routine in an uncomplicated intricate apartment. The world isn’t a box, its round and it has an infinite constellation of possibilities. Dongyoung should know that. Because that is what both Dongyoung and Jaemin taught him before. That the possibilities are always limitless and that you should not look for boundaries and impending heartaches if you want happiness to come along those lines.

"What do you mean?" The older said in a broken voice. Muffled by the tears welling up his eyes.

"Live again hyung. You deserve so much better. You should see the world, this time with a bigger smile and open up again. See the world without me. Experience being alive again. Don't be indolent just because I'm not here anymore. Look around. Taeil hyung is still here. Waiting for you."

"But I can't. Jeno I'm sorry for--"

He cut the older off. Shaking his head and smiling fondly at the guy in front of him. His heart melts at how Dongyoung treasures him, how they have this great brotherhood that no one can taint. It is just a disappointment that they weren’t able to create more memories together before. "Stop saying sorry to me. What I want to hear from this lovely mouth of yours, after all this time, is you telling me how proud you are of me."

"Jeno... I am proud of--" Before Dongyoung can finish his narrative he broke down into a sobbing mess again. You can’t really blame him, this whole confrontation is draining him and making him feel melancholic. Crying his hearts out would probably just make him more physically tired but to hell with that, this is Jeno smiling in front of him again, asking him to tell the younger how proud he is of him.

"Hyung. Another thing, please don't sue Jaehyun hyung. Don’t give him a hard time. He deserves so much better. You all deserve so much better."

            Sometimes, Dongyoung wonders what would have happened if he did not tell Jeno the truth about his pretty neighbor. Sometimes, his thoughts will always drift towards the idea that maybe, things will be more convenient and much easier if he had seen how really shattered Jeno is. It would have been easier but facing the younger right now, all mature and talking about forgiveness. He thought that the lines about a better ending and a happier narrative can now evaporate in the thin air.

“I am proud of you.”

Jeno beamed at how precious this moment is. He should have faced Dongyoung sooner to have this peace of heart and to experience this exact glee bubbling in his heart. He beamed. "Close your eyes."

Dongyoung obliged.

"I need you to know the whole truth."

\---

"Why are you here? This is the 11th floor. No vacant units here." Dongyoung informed the guy who just came out from the elevator holding a ton of luggage. He is too tired to start a conversation because Jaemin's family weren't being the nicest to his best friend. But he can't blame them. Jaemin looked so fragile that even he almost hoped that he should not visit the younger longer. The sight is just too heartbreaking.

Dongyoung looked at the guy in front of him and he suddenly remembered about the new tenant moving in today. Maybe this is the teen and he just lost his way.

"Ah yes. I know. It's just that." The guy in front of him said.

"Can you hurry up? I need to be inside my apartment in a while." He sounded arrogant but he is just really not in the mood for conversation. He is exhausted with all the today’s stressful turn of events.

The guy looked taken aback but decided to still flash a smile. "I just heard a lot from the landlord about you. He said that you are... kind of _special_? Anyways it was rude of me to not tell you my name first. I'm Lee Jeno. The new tenant. 15 th floor."

"Kim Dongyoung."

"Yeah. I've heard. But uh. Is it true?"

"What?"

"That you can see ghosts?"

"No." Dongyoung declined flatly.

Well, it is true that he can see few things beyond what they are meant to be seen. Like how he can see Jaemin, not the Jaemin in the hospital with all the apparatus. But Jaemin's _soul_. But it will be too weird to talk about that fact to someone he just met. And he doesn’t want to scare the new tenant off so he declined.

"Too bad. I'd like to ask you to talk to my mother. She's been dead for 8 years? But I want to make her listen to the first song I wrote. Here it is." Jeno opened his bag as he tried to search for a music sheet, a little bit too crumpled for Dongyoung's liking. But this is a hard work of a son missing his deceased mom, this is a song playing and remembering memories with a late mother. Dongyoung’s heart pumped with adoration. Despite not being in the mood earlier, this guy in front of him is just too sweet for this world.

"I don't think that's possible." Dongyoung informed.

Jeno shrugged at the reply, probably cussing himself for engaging in a weird conversation with his new neighbour. The older probably thinks that the raven haired is a crazy indivual; strange enough to ask about irrational interrogations.

Dongyoung however was smiling while uttering his earlier reply. There is something about the boy in front of him that makes him really at ease and relaxed. He remembered the agitated state he was in and he almost laughed at himself. Maybe it is the smile. Or the way he is nervously fidgeting while trying to balance all the bags and boxes in his hands. Or maybe it is just because the teen is really like this. Providing comfort and giving understanding.

"But I think I should listen to it? You look like you need someone to talk to. I have a musician friend by the way so I know a lot about technicalities and music in general."

"Yes please. But first, I know we just met but help me with my things?" Dongyoung laughed at the call for assistance as he grabbed the biggest box and a few bags from the raven haired.

\---

Jeno never stopped asking him about his so-called _specialness_. It was like a really intriguing topic for the younger. Dongyoung, however, just told him that it is only possible to meet a soul when the two sides are already ready. Ready for confrontation. Ready for forgiveness. Ready for a new beginning. Yes, Dongyoung told him about it, a few weeks after their first meeting. Enough time to shift the mood and topic from uncanny details to personal matters.

It wasn't an ability or a gift, it just happened to him. No one have the explanation though and it is tiring guessing whether the one in front of him is real or some sort of spirit, thus Dongyoung never really come out of his apartment a lot.

"Don't you think it's a super power? What if you are the Super Man of Korea?" The composer looked too serious that the older almost laughed.

"Super Man can't see ghosts. Jeno seeing things that aren’t technically seen by others or aren't supposed to be seen isn't a super power. Someone told me it’s a disturbed cognitive function that just messes my sanity up." Dongyoung said as he was preparing dinner for him and the younger.

"It is a super power. Plus, don't use those terms on me. I told you I may look intelligent, wise and smart but I really am not. God, I got a flat seventy in English in high school."

"You know for a sixteen year old, you are a bit tad too childish for age. I can’t believe I thought you were this quiet awkward kiddo."

"Believe me, I really am quiet. Well, I was just this loud and giddy when my mother was still alive but after her death, I became the emo teenager who plays guitar by the first floor of his home."

"Sorry about that." Dongyoung said looking at the younger with a hint of camaraderie and company. “Here. The dinner is served. Let’s eat. You’ll need to have a lot of nutrition in your body since there is a work again for tomorrow and you know how my best friend gets.”

"Hyung. Thank you. I don't know. I just feel like I could breathe around you. You know? How I think that when I'm around you, I can finally be at peace and be free." Despite the huge smile painted on Jeno's face, Dongyoung saw how sad the younger’s eyes looked.

"I still hope you can find a way to see my mom though."

"What is it that you badly want to tell your mom that you are so eager of me seeing her?"

"I just want to tell her that he should look out for Jisung. I left him so I can pursue my dream and I just want someone to look out for my younger brother the same way you are looking out for me. And I really want to play the song I made for her.”

"Why don't you tell her that yourself?"

"Unlike you, I don't have super powers hyung."

"Hey. Spirits can clung to people not just those who can see them. I once had this encounter with a café ghost. I don't know him but he showed himself up to me for the mere reason he wanted me to bring some croissant in his tombstone. See? He said some people can see him too it’s just that they don’t keep their attentions on him. He clung to me because he wants someone to give him a treat."

"I'd like to do that too."

"What?"

"Helping the spirits so maybe one day if I die, living people will help me too."

"That's not funny. And stop looking like you are excited to be dead."

"Sorry.” Jeno giggled, as if the topic is about unicorns, candies and rainbows. “But you know? Maybe when you delivered him croissant, he went to the afterlife with a sweet smile as sweet as the treat you gave him."

"After life? I thought you don't believe in them?"

Jeno shrugged. "I don't believe in ghosts too. But I don't know, it's three in the morning and Taeil Hyung overworked me so I guess I'm not making any sense right now. But hyung, I believe you. Just help me reach my mom so I can tell I love her and that, I am still waiting for her."

With that the raven haired drifted off to sleep. Dongyoung grabbed a blanket from his room and pushed the bangs from the younger's face. "Hey Jeno. Your mom will definitely be proud of you."

\---

Jeno woke up late. He spent his entire night talking with Dongyoung so his body might have shouted profanities and craved for sleep. He quickly readied himself as he rushed to the building’s elevator but it seems like luck is not on his side today.

The raven haired sighed as he ran using the emergency stairs. Going to the café near his apartment is the only thing that could save him from this early morning mess but his usual coffee made his mood sourer. He was traumatized with the amount of creamer and chocolate inside the iced macchiato the barista wrongly handed him.

As he was getting out of the café, he neglected the almost invisible kid looking at him with sad eyes. Wanting to have a hot chocolate but can’t seem to ask other people.

\---

He almost did not believe his sight when he saw how Jaemin looked like under the hospital lights, how he looked so fragile sleeping in the hospital bed that makes him look like a pure vibrant delicate angel. Jaemin is there and his ethereal beauty. With all the apparatus and oxygen supply injected in his body. Jaemin is there. Bruised and scarred. Jaemin is there, never in the composer’s side.

It wasn't just a matter of being unaware of things, but rather it is the case of not knowing anything at all. Jaemin. Everything about the brunette is a _lie_.

His feet brought him to the place he wished to be gone, his mind made him knock on the door he dreamed to be just fantastical realm and his heart spoke the words he never wanted. 1504.

"Jaemin." He muttered, loud enough to make his invisible wound bleed more. Yet not loud enough to answer such questions. "Jaemin." He repeated, wishing to have an answer without being hurt. “Jae----“

And there in the cheap limelight of the hallway, Jaemin is standing--- scarred, pale, and broken. Just like how he looks like in the hospital bed, just like the memory the composer wants to erase.

But Jeno smiled.

"Why didn't you tell me?" The composer breathed heavily, trying to follow after his breathing and wanting to free every ludicrousness inside him.

"You would not believe me."

"At the very least, Jaemin. You should have tried." Both teens looked exhausted with the lie they started themselves. The brunette looked desperate, searching for a more appropriate excuse he can mutter. "I felt lonely. I saw the world starting without me, I saw people moving on and I'm the only one not moving an inch. And you would not have opened the door if I told you. You would have hated me, Jeno I’m so sorr---"

"Jaemin, I would have not just let the door open, I would have not just talk to you. Nana, I would have let you in!" Jeno raised his voice. The spirit felt smaller, more invisible than his current state. Jaemin was suddenly tearing up. _I would have let you in._ He never knew such six words can would him just as painful as how the car hit him.

"Jeno." He reached out, and the latter saw the obnoxious scars painting his neighbor's beautiful hand. He dared himself not to cry, not to look up. But he can't. In his eyes and mind, is only Lee Jeno. Everything else forgotten. "A lie was needed to protect the truth."

Still, the composer turned around, locked himself in his apartment and the brunette can only just cry. It only took a second before someone interrupted the lonely spirit.

"Jaemin." Different from how Jeno’s gentle melody called him, Dongyoung's voice is stern, emotionless but his eyes, they're a little elusive.

"Hyung."

"A lie was needed to protect the truth? Oh, what's the truth then? The fact that you're selfish enough to lure Jeno into of this mess?”

“No. Hyung---“

“How many times do I have to ask you to wait, to not bother anyone and to just hang in there? I'm doing my very best to help you Jaemin. I was always out visiting you, knowing your whereabouts, praying for you to survive! Dreaming that one day, this mess will just be our laughing matter."

"Hyung, that's not it."

"Then, what is all of this about?" Jaemin remained silent, only his sobs and heavy breathing are audible at the moment. "Jaemin, I told you, I'll make a way to help you. Why can't you wait? I never knew you were this selfish. And why is it that of all the people, you chose Jeno."

Jaemin does not know where he found his voice and courage to answer. "He was the first to open the door." He started off with a whisper but his love gave him a volume to continue.

"Jeno, he was the first person to welcome me with a smile.”

After all, you will only be aware of how lonely you are, when you are surrounded by your dearest people yet they seem to not mind your presence. Just like that, Jaemin disappeared.

\---

            "The truth? Jaemin. I want to know what that is." Jeno demanded, despite the earlier break down he had. He thought that he deserves an explanation so he gathered up his courage to talk to his pretty neighbor. Jeno can never really keep a grudge to someone dear to him.

"That, at first I wasn't really aware that I was just a lost soul. The first time I talked to you, I was really not aware but gradually the knowledge just came in.”

“Why did you not tell me?”

“Even I can’t believe this whole thing. And I don’t want to lose you. Not yet.”

            The composer did not answer so Jaemin decided to continue his narrative. “I love you but I am not sure if I can continue loving you if I live so I decided to continue this whole neighbour facade I made. Dongyoung told me that I haven't been showing signs of getting better and my father was losing his string of hope. So--"

"You know. If you wake up and not remember all of this, all of our memories. I'll be fine with that. Because we can always create new ones. Jaemin, our love is more often than not a gloomy scary hallway yet, at the end there is a pretty ray. Our love can be seen as hopeless, sad and tragic. But after all everything, I'm sure we can make it work. Somehow."

"Are you not angry anymore?" The brunette asked. Hoping that Jeno will understand him even though the confusion of this whole mess is really overpowering.

"Sorry I snapped when we were talking about death and my mother. Sorry I did not give you a chance earlier. Sorry I did not hear you out. But, Jaemin I am not sorry for loving you despite this whole ghost soul thing. Jaemin. I love you. For who you are. Don't worry we will get through this together."

Jaemin is glad that Jeno is willing to forgive him that the composer is holding on to their love as if it’s not hurting him. Promising him about the love he never deserves.

\---

It had been a few days after the continuous and frequent precious moments he and Jaemin shared that Jeno decided to finally visit Jaemin in the hospital. Jeno never knew how he get the courage to do so, but he hopes it will not be as heartbreaking as the last time.

The inside of the hospital looked too refined and too white for his liking but he isn’t in that institution to gawk over the interior of the building so he strode his way towards the information desk where nurses and other personnel and staffs are standing. “Excuse me, how may I help you?”

“I am here to visit Na Jaemin.”

The nurse gave her the instruction on how to get in Jaemin’s hospital room with a smile as if Jaemin’s condition isn’t getting worse or so. Minutes later the composer is already standing in front of a metal door, different from his apartment’s wooden mahogany one. Holding the white rose the raven haired purchased this morning from the downtown flower shop, he pushed the object hindering him from seeing the Na Jaemin he’s in love with.

            The visit took three hours, Jeno would not have left if not because of a doctor coming in and checking the brunette’s vitals. Jung Jaehyun, the doctor’s nameplate says.

            “Are you his doctor?”

            “Nope. My boyfriend is. But he’s quite busy so I decided to check on his patient. New visitor, aren’t you? Haven’t seen you before.”

            “Yup. I’m a friend of Jaemin.”

            Dr. Jung checked something on the paper he is holding before turning to look at the teen. “White rose? That’s sweet. Don’t worry, he’ll get better soon.”

            From being the substitute doctor whenever Dr. Lee is busy, Jaehyun also became Jeno’s company whenever he’ll visit and play guitar for the unconscious Na Jaemin. They became close acquaintances, casually talking to each other and sharing stories about their respective jobs. One day, Jaehyun did not see the raven haired composer when he checked up on Jaemin. Instead, he was greeted by a black flash drive.

\---

1503.

“Jaemin-ah.” Jeno’s voice was soft, fragile and broken.

“What are you doing? You told me we will get through this together. Don’t do it, Jeno please I am begging you.” Jaemin shouted as he looked at what the composer is holding. He was carrying the tablets in his hands like how he usually holds the music sheets he uses whenever he makes a melody. Dearly and firmly.

“Jaemin. My mom visited me in my dreams again. She’s waiting for me.”

“Jeno. No. That’s not what your dreams mean.”

“Nana, she wanted me to hug her again.”

Before Jaemin could utter a convincing reply on how to stop the raven haired from doing what he is trying to do, the brunette disappeared.

Leaving Jeno and his fourteen tablets alone.

\---

Taeyong opened Jeno's hospital room only to find his boyfriend kneeling in front of the patient. Holding the plug from the oxygen tank, the countless injections Jeno should have in a minute and a black flash drive.

"What are you doing Jaehyun?! He needs the oxygen supply! He is still fragile and he still can't properly breathe. Plug it in. And give him the injections his body needs." Dr. Lee shoved his boyfriend but as he was about to grab the plug and the IV and the other injections that Jaehyun removed from Jeno's body, the screen beside the hospital bed showered the room with beeping sounds and the monitor showed a flat line.

"What are you doing?! Call the nurses!"

Dr. Lee was about to push the button to call out for help but Jaehyun stopped him.

"No. Hyung. Don't."

            Taeyong have the loud urgency in his voice, there was adrenaline rushing in his system. But his boyfriend’s being is shallow— like his voice, soft yet unemotional.

"Jaehyun. What is happening with you?!"

"He is sad hyung. He wants to meet his mother again. And you, you deserve to not be overlooked."

"Me? How is this about me?!"

Jaehyun shook his head, pointing at Jeno’s lifeless body. "Hyung. If Jeno survives, they will only treat your success with Jaemin’s case a pure miracle. Hyung. It’s a win-win situation. Jeno told me not to save him too. Hyung, he wants to rest. This is the only solution to this whole thing.”

“No. Jaehyun—“

“You’ll get to be treated greatly now and Jeno will have his long lost happiness."

"Jaehyun. Be objective! I’m sure this is not what Jeno wants. No--"

Dr. Jung stood up and looked at his wristwatch and said, "Patient Lee Jeno, time of death. April 23, 2015. 10:36 pm." It was his eyes made Taeyong shiver with fears.

"Jaehyun!”

Jaehyun only looked at him. “You are not in your right mind right now. So please go out. I'll take care of this."

But the doctor is firm with his decisions. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Perhaps, this is where the sacrifice part is.

Who lived in exchange for his death? Jaemin and Taeyong's better beginnings.

\---

It was one of the many nights Jisung dreams about his late brother. He got up from his bed reluctantly. Afraid to leave the comfort of his little world. He wanted to go back to his dream just so he can see his brother again. He misses him.

“Appa.” He called out. There was no answer, only silence was there to reply to his desperate calls. Jisung tried to wipe the tears falling from his youthful eyes and as his eyes filled with tears and sadness travelled to the picture of him and his brother.

He wondered, how can you look at someone who wanted to get away from you?

But he shifted, holding out his hand to caress the photograph. Jeno does not want to get away with him, they are attached to each other. Like a magnet to a steel. He was an iron for Jeno. So there is no way Jeno wanted to get away from him so he looked at photograph once again. “I miss you hyung.”

\---

Dongyoung opened his eyes.

            “What was that?” He asked in disbelief, there were thousands of things that flashed through him in an instant.

            “The truth.” Jeno answered. “Now tell Jaemin, I’m waiting.”

\---

            The moment he arrived at the hospital, specifically Jaehyun’s office. Dongyoung grew an intense urge to murder a doctor named Jung Jaehyun. How can he still wear that white uniform as if he did not just fucking taint blood and death in Jeno’s being?

Seeing the doctor up close like this, Dongyoung decided to just tighten his fist and opted to just throw a mean punch on the doctor’s face.

"You asshole! I'll fucking kill you for what you did to Jeno."

"So you finally received the papers?" Jaehyun asked. There is it again. The unemotional, sad and broken tone that is making Dongyoung feel how twistedly sad Jaehyun really is.

"Shut it. I am really pissed with what you did and angry for your shits. But that is not the reason why I am here, suppressing my urge to kill you. Tell me where Jaemin is."

"He is in Renjun's room with his friend Chenle."

"Speaking of Chenle.You have to save the hell out of him. Because if you fail to do so, I'm gonna team up with Jisung to start plotting ways how to fucking kill you." Dongyoung warned as he blasted out of the office.

\---

  1. Back to where it all started.



"I love you." Jeno said as he leaned in to kiss Jaemin. As the brunette closed his eyes to feel the kiss after the hurtful confrontation and confessions.

Everything came back to him.

Maybe they were trying to cover their memories too much, afraid to be judged and be left all alone, but now the entire memories are drifting and fading in the thin air. Leaving them with this unknown indescribable pain. But. As they kiss. As they share this moment. Memories drowned the two of them.

But that's okay. Love drowns along with their memories and that is more than fine.

\---

_2 months after._

Jaemin decided that it is time for him to finally visit where Jeno's body is. He looked around the cemetery and thanked Dongyoung for texting him the precise way on how to find Jeno without getting lost. The cemetery is just too wide. But Dongyoung probably memorized the steps here already. Maybe he’ll memorize this too.

The brunette carefully dropped a daisy in the composer's tomb. Daisy. Not white rose because after being aware of everything, he concluded that there is no way their love is pure. However he knows how true their love is. So he opted for a flower that made him remember that, how beautiful their love is. His favorite flower.

"Can I forget you now?"

Perhaps it looks funny, Jaemin talking when nobody is around him. But he thinks he needs to ask a permission for this. The brunette isn’t writing Jeno out of this novel but this is the happy ending he thinks he deserves. No vision. No painful memories. No music.

Then slowly, he felt his whole body stiffening.

The flashes are coming back one last time.

            Then a few minutes later, his ability disappeared along with the raven haired’s lovely existence in his memories.

Jaemin knows he isn't a great protagonist, but at least for Lee Jeno he is.


	14. yesterday's repetition

Perhaps, fate is forbiddingly cruel and it enjoys playing with those whose bond are supposed to be tightly tied-- making them fall in a profound agony of tangled relations and broken red ribbons. And perhaps, fate is ready to wreck people in an instant.

 

\---

Four long agonizing years. Time passed quickly as everybody busies themselves with their personal lives. Renjun with his literature and words. Taeil with his melodies and works. Mark with his lyrics and sun. Dongyoung with his adventures and friendships. Taeyong with his prescriptions and successes.  Jisung with his broken family and dancing. Jaemin with his missing memories and the forgotten visions.

It would probably greatly surprise them that it had been _already_ four long years since the messy incident and tangled fate about a certain raven haired composer and a wise beautiful brunette happened.

Four years. Jaehyun swore to himself that he will not go back to the place that wrecked him in every dreadful ways possible. But he’s now missing Korea and the lovely set of people he met in his lovely journey as a former doctor. It was hard suppressing his longingness in the realm that was once his home. So, even his pessimistic attitude that going back would probably just give him pain, he is now standing in the spacious hallway of a well-known international airport. Awkward. Afraid. Just like how he is when he first stepped his young feet in this country. When he was the young awkward kid from America.

Standing and not knowing who to call, what to do and where to stand. Jaehyun checked his phone. It's 23rd of April. _Jeno's_ birthday. The former doctor smiled as he pushed his luggage and called for a taxi.

 _Jeno_.

The kid who gets lost in music. The black haired composer that taught Jaehyun a lot of things. That certain someone, who Jaehyun will always treasure and always be thankful for. The cab arrived. Jaehyun settled himself first before telling the driver his destination.

“To the cemetery near Capital Hospital." The former doctor said in Korean, his inept accent almost noticeable. Four years really is a long period of time. Enough for him to get tongue tied with the words he utter almost every day.

The former doctor missed muttering the name of the hospital he used to work in. It's really nostalgic, seeing the enormous words giving contrast to the white exterior of the institution. Looking at the car window Jaehyun saw how things are almost probably the same as he left. The traffic isn't that heavy but it gave him enough time to replenish his memories. Capital Hospital. He thought of his colleagues, Johnny, Hansol, Lucas and his dearest Taeyong. He wondered how they are doing now.

But his thoughts drifted the longest to Taeyong, his former lover. He tried remembering all the details of their relationship, how Taeyong broke up with him because of what he did. Before, he was broken and angry because he did that for the latter. But now, he realized that he was stupid and he did not do anyone a favor for his crucial and ugly mistakes.

"Hey can I go down for a while?" The former doctor politely asked the driver. The driver nodded.

Jaehyun got down, aware that the taxi meter is still going and he’d probably pay for quite an amount but he shrugged. He looked at the restaurant located just a few blocks from the hospital and smile crept its way into his face. With all the patients the former doctor had managed to saved, the kid- now looking more mature than ever, blossoming and showing the world his hidden masculine features- standing behind the cashier is his happiest success.

He sighed and remembered how it was almost impossible to save him before but now the former doctor feels contented that he managed to do so. “I should thank Jeno for this miracle I guess.” He whispered to himself.

Pushing the door open, he greeted the greatest miracle of his career when he was still a doctor. "Hey Chenle."

Chenle looked surprised. Almost not realizing who is standing awkwardly in his restaurant’s entrance. But as awareness grappled him and as he saw the beautiful smile of the _Hyung_ he learned to trust in the short span of three months. His eyes glistened with recognition and thankfulness.

"It's been a while." Jaehyun added to his greetings and Chenle ran to hug him. Tight. "Hyung! We missed you. Where have you been?" Showing the older his representative healing smile. Jaehyun almost cried because if he was not able to pull his shit together before this smile would have vanished permanently.

This rare beaming moment is so precious that their eyes showed each other the words they don’t need to tell to one another.

"I'm good.” The former doctor informed the younger. “I've been in America for the past four years. You know, the cliché, finding yourself again, getting up and stuff. How about you? It's nice that the name of your restaurant was boldly written, if not I would not have guessed that this is your restaurant. Is this the restaurant that Renjun told me?"

"Well. I used that spawn of hell’s suggestion for the font and interiors actually. Luckily, he have a decent taste. Hey hyung, you haven't met Jisung right?"

"Yup. Haven't had the chance. Why? Is he here?"

"Yes." Then the younger shouted a name, which then was replied by a loud peeved grunt. "Forgive him though, he was cranky his dance studio was closed for today, that's why he's moping around and scaring my customers."

"Today is Jeno's birthday right?"

"Yup. Closed it so he can visit his Hyung but he was still moping here, trying to bankrupt my business by eating all the variety of food in the menu and ordering every dish without paying even a cent."

Jisung slapped his forearm at that. "Shut up. You've been ruining my business too. Anyway. Dr. Jung right?"

"No. It's just Jaehyun Hyung now." He corrected. "And oh, I'm now a songwriter, composer just like your brother."

"Wow. I knew you had that musical shit in you when you were trying to lull me in my sleep."

"Where's your boyfriend by the way?" Jaehyun asked Chenle, curious with how the latter’s personal life evolved after he left for America.

"Meeting with his editor. He'll release a new novel soon!" Chenle beamed as he announced the news. “He’d love to meet you again. But he’s pretty busy.”

 

"Eww whipped." Jisung joked.

"Eww single." Chenle replied.

"Hey. Not fair. I'm not in a relationship either." The former doctor intervened. Chenle almost looked guilty, but Jaehyun shrugged him off. "Hey, I'll get going. I'm going to visit Jeno first.”

“Sure go ahead, we'll just wait for Renjun. Though I don't know why he insist on tagging along, Jeno hyung does not know him personally." Chenle informed Jaehyun.

Jaehyun just laughed and waved them a goodbye. Different from the goodbye he gave them four years ago. This one isn’t permanent. This one isn’t sad. This one isn’t about selfishness. This one isn’t about mistakes. This one is about continuing. Together.

The former doctor was tempted to go drop off the place he used to work with, but he thinks he isn't ready _yet_. He can't face them. Not until he heals himself after all the foul faults, egoistic lies and throbbing disappointments he committed.

"Wait for me Taeyong-hyung. We will fix this as well." He silently prayed.

The place where Jeno's body is, is filled with daisies when he arrived. The former doctor was about to put down the birthday gifts he bought for the late composer: the music & lyric sheets he got from the store in front of the Broadway somewhere in Los Angeles. It was a vintage old pages made from an old tree as well, the seller told him that it was almost thirty years of age but still managed to look this good because it's kept well. He smiled at it. It reminded him of Jeno. How he was tainted by horrifying echoes but managed to go through everything because music and love kept him strong. But this gift would probably cloak, the same with what happened with the late composer.

He was reminiscing the good old conversations and moment when an almost familiar figure arrived stood beside the former doctor.

"Jaemin?"

The brunette whose face have matured but will managed to look as flawless and beautiful as he was looked back at him. "Oh? I'm sorry do I know you?"

"Ahh." So the brunette really did forget. Jeno must have given this as his last gift for Jaemin. Jaehyun remembered the late composer’s soul coming to him before his spirit completely disappeared in the mortal world.

\---

"Dr. Jung?"

Jaehyun remembered the same soft voice. Jaehyun remembered the conversations. The sad overwhelming music. The lovely melody. The shattered soul. "J-jeno?"

 

"Chenle. Save him. Let us all go against fate. Maybe if we collectively fight for his life, they’ll let his smile wander in this realm more. I don’t want Jisung to be broken again. It will probably kill his sanity if the same doctor will fail to save his soulmate too. This will be my gift for them. Helping you and Jaemin fight for Chenle’s life.”

"What do you mean?”

“How about you? Aren’t you curious about my last gift too?”

No answer came from the doctor’s mouth. It would probably make him a hypocrite because this conversation would not have exist if he managed to be professional about Jeno’s case.

"You'll not remember me after this, you'll continue helping people and battling with peoples’ diseases like the prodigy you once were. Hyung, you deserve to continue living. What happened before is just a mistake, an accident because--"

"No."

"Hyung?"

"Let me live my whole life remembering you. You taught me things. The lessons I never really knew about before. Plus, don't you deserve to be remembered?"

"They'll remember my mortal self. Just not this state and everything that happened after I die will be forgotten."

"I want to remember you. Everything about you. And I'm sorry. I need to leave this profession of mine."

"You're leaving Taeyong hyung too?"

"You’re leaving Jaemin as well."

"I can't help it. I've been selfish enough. But I’m happy that at the very least, we were able to mend our broken hearts. Here."

Jeno handed him a music sheet. "My other last gift."

\--

Jaemin stood frozen for a moment.

"Excuse me? Remember Taeyong? Dr. Lee?"

"Ah yes." The brunette nodded still not recognizing the former doctor in front of him. "Well he is my ex-boyfriend and talked about you a lot. How you were a miracle to his profession. And Chenle. You remember him?"

"Of course! Wait. You are Chenle's doctor?!"

"Yup. I looked different right?" Yes. The twistedly sad and utterly confused Dr. Jung is nowhere in the picture anymore and is now replaced with a smiling beautiful happy being. "I changed profession after Chenle. I'm uh... now a musician? I'm making music. Composer. Yes."

"Are you not the one who gave me this?" Jaemin fished out the black flash drive from his back pocket. "Is this your song?" The brunette added to his earlier question.

Jaehyun shook his head. "Nope. That's from someone else's."

"Can I meet him? I really like his voice and his emotions. I would like to--"

"Of course you can. In fact, I think he was waiting for you all this time." Then Jaehyun sat down in front of Jeno's tomb. Dropping his gift along the process.

"Hey buddy. Someone wants to meet you."

The brunette holding a Huang Renjun novel in his left hand. Looked around the vast cemetery. Before plopping himself down and sitting next to the former doctor. Confusion clearly written on his face. Jaemin deeply sighed-- he remembered feeling the dread, experiencing the silence and even the prickling tears but never the reason why he was here from the very beginning.

_Maybe because, for Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno is just a beautiful dream._

 

**END.**


End file.
